BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Friday, March 31, 2006

The Dumb & The Mean

Morning, folks.

We have the quote of the week, courtesy of Orange County's very own Dana Rohrbacher (re: "immigration reform").
WASHINGTON Mar 30, 2006 (AP)— House conservatives criticized President Bush, accused the Senate of fouling the air, said prisoners rather than illegal farm workers should pick America's crops and denounced the use of Mexican flags by protesters Thursday in a vehement attack on legislation to liberalize U.S. immigration laws.

"I say let the prisoners pick the fruits," said Rep. Dana Rohrabacher of California, one of more than a dozen Republicans who took turns condemning a Senate bill that offers an estimated 11 million illegal immigrants an opportunity for citizenship.
Dumb and mean.

Speaking of, get thee to the Yahoo Message Board attached to the following story:

Earthquakes Devastate Iranian Villages

Info:
TEHRAN, Iran - Three strong earthquakes and several aftershocks reduced villages to rubble in western Iran early Friday, killing at least 66 people and injuring about 1,200 others, officials said.

At least 13 tremors jolted the mountainous region throughout the night, Tehran University's Geophysics Institute said.
I'm sure you can imagine the Right-Wing Nut-Job reaction to this news --
"Iran has sinned and God has punished - These earthquakes keep happening and will continue until Iran repents and turns from their wicked ways."

"My God does job of USAF! Bombs away. Let's kill more muslims."

"ALLAH MUST BE PISSED ...LOL - FUNNY SHIT WATCHING THE SUB-HUMANS SCURRYING AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF COCKROACHES WHEN THE LIGHTS COME ON ..... FUNNY SHIT!"

"It's Allah's will !!! Thats right ! He's sick of his drones acting like savages . There will be more quakes coming soon. Until Muslims start acting civilized they will suffer on a daily basis."

"EARTHQUAKE MACHINE WORTH EVERY DOLLAR"
Like I said, dumb and mean.

I was gonna post the RWNJ reaction to Jill Carroll's release, but the posts were far too depressing. Most...wished her death.

Why are the nutjobs so obsessed with rape and torture?

Daddy-isssues all, methinks.

More later...

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Help Me Out Here

By now, you've heard Our Kid's comments re: Jill Carroll.

"I'm glad she's alive."

"We're glad she's alive and thank those who worked hard for her release."

Now...

These "heartfelt" statements came after reporters (following GW in Cancun) asked him to comment on Carrol's release.

In the same breath, Bush went on to say, "It's good to see you all."

Meaning...the reporters.

"I'd like to make sure you work more than you play."


Huh?

Randi Rhodes played the audio: I've been Googling like crazy to find the full quote.

Google monkeys, unite: I'd love to hear the whole thing.

"Now watch this drive."

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Chang Vs Wu-Tang

Been digging through the archives...and found this post from last September --

Gov. Bush & his mystical buddy
After more than an hour of solemn ceremony naming Rep. Marco Rubio, R-West Miami, as the 2007-08 House speaker, Gov. JEB BUSH stepped to the podium in the House chamber last week and told a short story about "unleashing Chang," his "mystical warrior" friend.

Here are Bush's words, spoken before hundreds of lawmakers and politicians:

"Chang is a mystical warrior.

Chang is somebody who believes in conservative principles, believes in ENTREPRENEURIAL CAPITALISM, believes in moral values that underpin a free society.

I rely on Chang with great regularity in my public life.

He has been by my side and sometimes I let him down. But Chang, this mystical warrior, has never let me down."

Bush then unsheathed a GOLDEN SWORD and gave it to Rubio as a gift.

"I'm going to bestow to you the sword of a great CONSERVATIVE WARRIOR," he said, as the crowd roared.
CUT TO:

EXT. WU-TANG MOUNTAIN - DAY

The camera pans over a gorgeous mountain range on the northern edge of the Manchu Province...and focuses on a snow capped peak.

This is Wu-Tang Mountain.

EXT. WU-TANG TEMPLE - SAME

We see the Wu-Tang Temple, a spectacular Chinese monastery built around 7,000 B.C., on the far side of the peak.

INT. WU-TANG TEMPLE - SAME

Two WU-TANG SWORDSMEN are engaged in combat in the common area of the Temple. MASTER LIU, the head priest of the Wu-Tang, barks out commands from his throne.

MASTER LIU - Flying sparrow!

The Swordsmen go through the Flying Sparrow sword technique movements.

MASTER LIU - Tiger stance!

The Swordsmen go through the Tiger stance sword technique movements.

MASTER LIU - Eight divine sword technique!

The Swordsmen go through the Eight Divine Sword technique movements. We hear the sound of a gong, then...

MASTER LIU - Excellent! Your progress is impressive!

V.O. - Yes, but is it as impressive as my ENTREPRENEURIAL CAPITALISM?

MASTER LIU - Huh?

ANGLE ON: A mysterious figure dressed in peasant clothing.

MASTER LIU - Stranger! Reveal yourself! Who dares enter the Temple of the Wu-Tang?!

Master Liu whips out his sword and slices off the "peasant's" clothing...revealing CHANG. Chang is wearing Shaolin monk pants...and a Blackwater Security t-shirt.

MASTER LIU - A Shaolin monk! Fair warning, stranger! Your Shaolin Kung-Fu is no match for my Wu-Tang swordplay!

CHANG - That may be, Master Liu. But your Wu-Tang swordplay is no match for the men of Blackwater Security!

At that moment, dozens and dozens of Blackhawk helicopters begin to circle the skies above the Wu-Tang Temple.

MASTER LIU - Huh?

ANGLE ON: THE TEMPLE GATE.

There is a loud BOOM as the Temple Gate explodes into a thousand pieces. Moments later, hundreds and hundreds of BLACKWATER SECURITY GUARDS storm the Temple. The Wu-Tang priests try to fend off the private security forces...but their swords are useless against the high powered assault rifles...and gunfire from the helicopters.

Blood everywhere as the Wu-Tang priests fall one by one.

MASTER LIU - No!

Master Liu grabs a bigger sword from the altar of the Temple and FLIES toward Chang. Chang easily avoids Master Liu...and thumps him on the head with a briefcase.

CHANG - Foolish man! You have obviously never fought a CONSERVATIVE WARRIOR!

Chang flies toward Master Liu, grabs him by the throat, and drags him towards one of the helicopters.

MASTER LIU - Dog! Take your hands off me!

CHANG - Not until you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior!

MASTER LIU - Who?! How dare you desecrate the Wu-Tang Temple!

CHANG - It's not the Wu-Tang Temple anymore, Master Liu. It's the Asian headquarters for Halliburton International. Take him away!

Chang throws Master Liu into the cargo hold of the Blackhawk helicopter. Two Blackwater guards pin Master Liu down...and the pilot pulls the giant bird towards the sky.

Chang flips open his Razr, then...

CHANG - Yes, Dick Cheney's office please.

Chang smiles and we...

CUT TO:

More later. (But no more Chang.)
In a 1989 Washington Post article on the politics of tennis, former President George Bush was quoted as threatening to "UNLEASH CHANG" as a means of intimidating other players.
Now you know.

Tinfoil Hat Time

Yo.

New York magazine has a crazy piece on 9/11 this month.

The Ground Zero Grassy Knoll

Basically, the mag covers the folks who are asking questions about 9/11: A nifty way of getting into some tinfoil hat kinda stuff...
An official explanation has been offered up: The nation was attacked by the forces of radical Islam led by Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda jihadists.

Again, this narrative has been accepted by many.

But not all.

*

How, if no steel-frame building had ever collapsed from fire, did three such edifices fall that day, including 7 World Trade Center, which was not hit by any airplane?

And why, if hydrocarbon-fueled fire maxes out at 1,800 degrees Fahrenheit and steel melts at 2,700 degrees, did the towers weaken sufficiently to fall in such a short time—only 56 minutes in the case of the South Tower?

And why, if the impact destroyed the planes’ supposedly crash-proof flight-recorder black boxes, was the FBI able to find, in perfect condition, the passport of Satam al Suqami, one of the alleged American Airlines Flight 11 hijackers?

And how to explain the nonperformance of the FAA and NORAD?

How could they, an hour after the first World Trade Center crash, allow an obviously hostile airplane to smash into the Pentagon, headquarters of the entire military-industrial complex, for chrissakes?

And why did the Defense Department choose to stage an extraordinary number of military exercises on 9/11—occupying matériel and spreading confusion about who was who on that day?
Some of my friends hate it when I talk about "the possibility," but - hey, you know - it's a fun way to spend free time.

Read the whole piece.

More later...

Another Bush!

THE LINK IS FIXED.

Do yourself a favor and check out this video:

Our Kid's nephew (Pierce) on the Today Show.

Absolutely brilliant.

Trust me, you knew this "dude" in college: He was the only guy in your freshman dorm with disposable cash, a "Co-ed Naked Lacrosse" shirt and a convertible Beemer.

He's Neil's kid, BTW.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I'm Back


Back from Chicago/Evanston.

Brain mush - me filled with Buffalo Joe's, Smithwick's and Potbelly's - so I'm struggling to wrap my brain around the news of the day.

However...

PENN HAS TORTURE DOLL


Of Man Coulter:
Hollywood activist SEAN PENN has a plastic doll of conservative US columnist ANN COULTER that he likes to abuse when angry.

The Oscar-winner actor has hated Coulter ever since she blacklisted his director father LEO PENN in her book TREASON.

And he takes out his frustrations with Coulter, who is a best-selling author, lawyer and television pundit, on the Barble-like doll.

In an interview with The New Yorker magazine, Penn reveals, "We violate her. There are cigarette burns in some funny places. She's a pure snake-oil salesman. She doesn't believe a word she says."
Agreed.

Do voodoo dolls work? Hope so.

On that note...nothing wrong with a grown dude havin' some dolls.

I have the Comic Book Guy (from "The Simpsons") and his shop.

And some Eddie bobbleheads.

More later, I swear to God.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Still in Chicago

Regular readers,

Me still in Chicago. On my way to Potbelly's. A new blog tomorrow, I swear to God.

Peace out, bitches.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

We're in the Wrong Biz

Once again, dear reader, I realize that you and I are in the wrong biz.

Former first lady's donation aids son

Babs to Neilsie:
Former first lady Barbara Bush donated an undisclosed amount of money to the Bush-Clinton Katrina Fund with specific instructions that the money be spent with an educational software company owned by her son Neil.
Period.

Umm...

Uh...

WTF?!
Since then, the Ignite Learning program has been given to eight area schools that took in substantial numbers of Hurricane Katrina evacuees.

"Mrs. Bush wanted to do something specifically for education and specifically for the thousands of students flooding into the Houston schools," said Jean Becker, former President Bush's chief of staff. "She knew that HISD was using this software program, and she's very excited about this program, so she wanted to make it possible for them to expand the use of this program."

The former first lady plans to visit a Houston Independent School District campus using the Ignite program today to call on local business leaders to support schools and education.
She's got balls, doesn't she?

Speaking of...from the Smoking Gun:

Dick Cheney's Suite Demands

The Old Man wants all TV's set to Fox News:
The document is provided to hotels where Cheney will be bunking and lists how the Republican pol's "Downtime Suite" needs to be outfitted.

While the vice president's requests are pretty modest (no extract-the-brown-M&M demands here), Cheney does like his suite at a comfy 68 degrees. And, of course, all the televisions need to be preset to the Fox News Channel (what, you thought he was a Lifetime devotee?).

Decaf coffee should be ready upon his arrival along with four cans of caffeine-free Diet Sprite. And when Cheney is traveling with his wife Lynne, the second family's suite needs an additional two bottles of sparkling water.
Van Halen said no to the brown M&Ms...back in the Roth era.

More later...

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Real "Wrath of God" Kinda Stuff


People...

Wrath of God behind Israel bird flu?

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Read on, Lord.
JERUSALEM (Reuters) - An outbreak of deadly bird flu in Israel is God's punishment for calls in election ads to legalize gay marriages, according to Rabbi David Basri, a prominent sage preaching Kabbalah or Jewish mysticism.
"MADONNA KNOW ABOUT THIS CRAZINESS?"

Dunno.
"The Bible says that God punishes depravity first through plagues against animals and then in people," Basri said in a religious edict quoted by his son.
"THE BIBLE ALSO SAYS THAT YOU CAN KILL YOUR NEIGHBOR IF HE WORKS ON THE SABBATH."

Copy that.

"SWARMS OF LOCUSTS. MUCH MORE MY STYLE."

Cool.

"AND AMERICAN IDOL."
Basri said he hoped the deaths of hundreds of thousands of turkeys and chickens would help atone for what he called the sins of left-wing Israeli political parties, the son, Rabbi Yitzhak Basri, told Reuters, a week before a national election.

The bird flu outbreak stemmed from far-left political parties "strengthening and encouraging homosexuality," Rabbi Basri's son quoted him as saying.
There it is.

"A RIGHT-WING DUDE PITCHING 'WRATH OF GOD' KINDA STUFF."

Always happens that way, duh'nit?
One of the parties aired an election commercial depicting two brides kissing.

Some campaign advertisements also called for homosexual marriages to be legalized in Israel.
"SNORE."

Agreed.

More later...

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Helen Thomas Rides Again - Update


Yo.

Our Kid called on Helen Thomas this morning.

It's been three years.
HELEN THOMAS: I'd like to ask you, Mr. President, your decision to invade Iraq has caused the deaths of thousands of Americans and Iraqis, wounds of Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime.

Every reason given, publicly at least, has turned out not to be true.

My question is, why did you really want to go to war?

From the moment you stepped into the White House, from your Cabinet -- your Cabinet officers, intelligence people, and so forth -- what was your real reason? You have said it wasn't oil -- quest for oil, it hasn't been Israel, or anything else.

What was it?
Incredible TV.

Hopefully, Crooks & Liars will have the video soon: I'll keep checking for the transcript.

UPDATE: They do.

In the meantime, check out C & L's link to Kevin Phillip's appearance on Lou Dobbs:
PHILLIPS: One of the reasons I think we have kind of screwed up economic politician in some ways is that a lot of Americans have stopped worrying about the economy because they're waiting for the second coming.

DOBBS: And you mean this quite literally?

PHILLIPS: I mean it quite literally.
Good stuff, more soon...

Monday, March 20, 2006

Still Moving

Friends...

In the middle of a big move - Hollywood to Silverlake.

More tomorrow morning (Tuesday, 3/21). I swear to God.

"PROMISE?"

Yes, sir!

Friday, March 17, 2006

Nancy Schaefer, R-Crazyland

Kiddos...

I give you Nancy Schaefer, R-Crazyland.

(In this case...Georgia.)

A direct quote...lifted from this paper:
Guest-worker Amnesty must be defeated in Washington, too. If it is not defeated, millions of illegal aliens who violated our laws will remain in America and bring their families here. Big employers may get the benefit of cheap labor, but the U.S. taxpayer will pay for their healthcare, food stamps, schooling for children and income tax credits.

I am convinced it is a consequence to the almost 50 million children we have put to death in their mother's womb through abortion.

The large unfilled job market in Georgia would not be a problem if the almost 50 million Americans were here filling many of those jobs.
Ignorance is bliss.

More later...

Power


Friends?

Power.

CRUISE CONTROL SCARES 'PARK'


How Hollywood works:
March 17, 2006 -- HOLLYWOOD bully Tom Cruise got Comedy Central to cancel Wednesday night's cablecast of a controversial "South Park" episode about Scientology by warning that he'd refuse to promote "Mission Impossible 3," insiders say.

Since Paramount is banking on "MI3" to rake in blockbuster profits this summer, and Paramount is owned by Viacom, which also owns Comedy Central, the tactic worked.

The "South Park" episode, "Trapped in the Closet," pokes fun at Scientology and shows Cruise, John Travolta and R. Kelly (who is not a Scientologist, but has a song called "Trapped in the Closet") literally in a closet.

The episode, which first aired last November, was set to rerun Wednesday night, but was mysteriously pulled at the last minute.

Now, hollywoodinterrupted.com reports Cruise went straight to the top - to execs at Viacom - and warned he'd boycott the promotion for "MI3" unless the "South Park" episode was pulled.

Series creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker have been told not to discuss the matter - to avoid embarrassing Cruise as they did Isaac Hayes last week when Hayes, also a Scientologist, quit his role as the voice of the Chef character.
No need for snarky comments.

However...

Do you really think Messrs. Stone & Parker will keep their mouths shut?

UBER-UPDATE:

Defamer
is claiming that the following statement is from Stone & Parker:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!

-Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu
Didn't take long, did it?

More later...

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I Gotta Be Fair

Update --

Jessica Simpson snubs Bush

Damn. She changed her mind:
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Concerned about politicizing her favorite charity, singer-actress Jessica Simpson on Wednesday turned down a invitation to meet with U.S. President George W. Bush, a snub that left Republicans dismayed.

The apparent final word that Simpson would be a no-show at a major Republican fund-raiser with Bush and congressional leaders on Thursday night came after a day of conflicting reports from her camp and organizers of the event.
I gotta be fair.

More later.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

They Can Have Her


Congratulations, Cons.

JESSICA SIMPSON SET FOR REPUBLICAN DINNER

Quickly:

The National Republican Congressional Committee has snagged the wholesome, blonde and buxom Jessica Simpson to attend its fundraising gala on Thursday. House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) is the lucky guy who gets to sit next to the “Dukes of Hazzard” star.

Not that he would recognize her, ROLL CALL reports.

“I’m not even sure if he knows who Jessica Simpson is,” the Majority Leader’s spokesman, Kevin Madden, told HOH.
Um...

I'm pretty sure that she has no idea who he is, either.
“Boehner’s celebrity recognition standards crashed and burned with the introduction of color television.”
Ha.

No need for snarky comments.

More later...

The War on Hugo Chavez


Well...

The "War on Hugo Chavez" continues.

I'm not making a stand FOR Chavez - I'm not taking a position against him - I'm just saying...the Conservative Establishment is on the attack - and presenting anti-Chavez material to the 'Merican people.

The headline from the Washington Times (an uber-conservative fish-wrap)?

"Iranian pact with Venezuela stokes fears of uranium sales"

See how easy it is? "Evil" plus "evil" equals "mushroom cloud":
BUENOS AIRES -- A recent deal between Iran and Venezuela provides for the exploitation of Venezuela's strategic minerals, prompting opposition figures to warn that President Hugo Chavez's government could be planning to provide Tehran with uranium for its nuclear program.
COULD BE.

Fantastic journalism

He could be working with the Klingons, too.
The deal was part of a package of agreements, most of which were announced during a visit last month to Caracas and Cuba by Iranian parliament Speaker Gholam Ali Haddad-Adel. The two countries also established a joint $200 million development fund and signed bilateral deals to build homes and factories, and exploit petroleum.

Public details are vague, but Venezuelan opposition figures and press reports have said the deal on minerals could involve the production and transfer to Iran of Venezuelan uranium taken from known deposits located in the dense jungle states of Amazonas and Bolivar.
Alright. That's a key passage.

"Opposition forces" = the Venezuelan elites and media types who hate Chavez.

Remember, HC has the support of the country's poor folk. And control of the country's oil. The elites (natch pro-American opposition forces) hate that.

So...

The opposition forces said that the deal "could" involve the production and transfer of uranium to Iran.

It could also include a giant shipment of deadly carnitas, but we have no way of really knowing that, do we?

All we know is that the Washington Times is pushing the Iran/Venezuela connection.

Significant.

Look for more articles like this...in the weeks and months to come.
Mr. Chavez last week ridiculed such speculation as being part of an "imperialist plan" propagated by international news media.

"Now they say I am sending uranium to make atomic bombs from here, from the Venezuelan Amazon to send directly to the Persian Gulf," Mr. Chavez said during a meeting at a military club on Tuesday.

"This shows they have no limit in their capacity to invent lies."
I'm stunned that the WashTimes even printed that comment.

More later...

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Pat Robertson, Part V


People,

Robertson Finds Radical Muslims 'Satanic'

Pat Robertson: You can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him:
Television evangelist Pat Robertson said Monday on his live news-and- talk program "The 700 Club" that Islam is not a religion of peace, and that radical Muslims are "satanic."

Robertson's comments came after he watched a news story on his Christian Broadcasting Network about Muslim protests in Europe over the cartoon drawings of the Prophet Muhammad.

He remarked that the outpouring of rage elicited by cartoons "just shows the kind of people we're dealing with. These people are crazed fanatics, and I want to say it now: I believe it's motivated by demonic power.

It is satanic and it's time we recognize what we're dealing with."
Usually I ask the Lord to weigh in on these kinds of issues. Today, I'm gonna ask the Devil.

"The answer is 'yes.'"

Haven't asked the question yet.

"Go ahead."

Are these "crazed fanatics" motivated by demonic power?

"Dittoheads and Hannimaniacs...American Idol fans, maybe...but not these poor bastards."

Right.
Robertson also said that "the goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not, is world domination."
Um, isn't that Pat's goal?

"Yep"

More later...

Monday, March 13, 2006

The Real Story


'Ello, boys and girls.

Simple post this morning.

The headline from the NY Times:

Even as U.S. Invaded, Hussein Saw Iraqi Unrest as Top Threat

He was more concerned with an internal revolt - not a US invasion.

However...

The real story is buried deep within the piece.
The Iraqi dictator was so secretive and kept information so compartmentalized that his top military leaders were stunned when he told them three months before the war that he had no weapons of mass destruction, and they were demoralized because they had counted on hidden stocks of poison gas or germ weapons for the nation's defense.

*

In December 2002, he told his top commanders that Iraq did not possess unconventional arms, like nuclear, biological or chemical weapons, according to the Iraq Survey Group, a task force established by the C.I.A. to investigate what happened to Iraq's weapons programs.

Mr. Hussein wanted his officers to know they could not rely on poison gas or germ weapons if war broke out.

The disclosure that the cupboard was bare, Mr. Aziz said, sent morale plummeting.
Period.

The real headline? Hussein to Top Commanders:"No Weapons of Mass Destruction."

Not quite the headline we read - back in the day.

More later...

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Sharks With Friggin' Laser Beams

People...

DR. EVIL: What is it now?

FRAU FARBISSINA: Well, we experimented with lasers, but you would be surprised at how heavy they are. They actually outweighed the piranha themselves, and the fish, well, they sank to the bottom and died.

DR. EVIL: I have one simple request, sharks with friggin' laser beams attached to their heads, and it can't be done?

Apparently, it can:

Shark and awe

"The Pentagon plans to put neural implants in sharks to have them serve as underwater spies -- another example of a defense budget gone mad."

Get ready to live:
According to the latest New Scientist magazine, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA, the blue-sky wing of the Pentagon, has set yet another group of American scientists loose to create the basis for future red-in-tooth-and-maw Discovery Channel programs.

In this case, they are planning to put neural implants into the brains of sharks in hopes, one day, of "controlling the animal's movements, and perhaps even decoding what it is feeling."

In their dreams at least, DARPA'S far-out funders hope to "exploit sharks' natural ability to glide quietly through the water, sense delicate electrical gradients and follow chemical trails.

By remotely guiding the sharks' movements, they hope to transform the animals into stealth spies, perhaps capable of following vessels without being spotted."
Your tax dollars at work, boys and girls.
Of course, the Navy has been in nature's waters in a big way for a while with its Marine Mammal Program in San Diego. There, it trains bottlenose dolphins as "sentries" and mine detectors.

Such dolphins were "first operationally deployed" in Vietnam in 1971 and a whole dolphin patrol (like, presumably, the shark patrol to come) is now on duty in the Khor Abd Allah waterway, Iraq's passageway into the Persian Gulf.

To the embarrassment of the Navy, a dolphin named Takoma even went "AWOL" there in 2003, soon after the invasion of Iraq began.
My God, we can't even control our dolphins.

Wonder how the Iraqi Dolphin Forces are doing?

No more snarky comments.

DR. EVIL: Remind me again why I pay you people?


More later...

Friday, March 10, 2006

Alonzo Mourning: My new favorite guy


People,

My friend Eric sent me a link to this website: Newsmeat, a site that breaks down POLITICAL CONTRIBUTIONS (donations over $200) from celebs, sports heroes, and other muckety-mucks.

The "sports" list is pretty awesome.

Let me just say this: Alonzo Mourning? My new favorite guy.

Gave 100% of his contributions ($25,000) to the Dems. Wouldn't have thought that "the Hulk" (Shaq's nickname for Zo) would throw cash our way. But he did. And he's my new favorite guy.

Others --

Agassi - gave 89% of his $94k to the Dems.

NHL commish Gary Bettman?! Gave 100% of his $2k to the Dems. Wow.

Dr. J? One of us!

Tampa Bay Bucs OWNER Malcolm Glazer?!?!?! This particular OWNER gave 96% of his $26k to the Blues. Wow.

Wait. What?! Robert Kraft, OWNER of the NE Pats?! Dude gave 76% of his $247k to our side. We'll take it!!! (I still hate the Pats, but Kraft is cool with me.)

Future Hall of Famer Emmit Smith? 100% of his $3k to the good guys.

NBA king David Stern?! Busted out the big guns and gave 98% of his $781,780 to the Dems!!! I mean, come on, this is a guy who KNOWS PROFIT. A guy who helped build the league from the crazy days of CBS late night to a global 'kin empire.

Holy Christ!

Other blue notables: Chris Berman, Dean Smith, Brian Urlacher, Digger Phelps and Isaiah Thomas. (Yankee chief George Stgeinbrenner played both sides of the fence - and gave equally. An old school move from an old school guy.)

The bad news? A-Rod, Troy Aikman, Peyton Manning, Mike Ditka, Mario Lemieux, Pat Summerall and Vin Scully gave all their cash to the Repubs.

As did Bobby Knight, Karl Malone and John Elway, the King of Colorado.

(Elway might run for office one day: That's the word in Colorado. No need to hold an election.)

The Rooney family gave most of their cash to the Republicans: Conservative Pittsburgh Catholics. (I knew that already, 'coz Dan goes to mass everyday.)

Check it out.

More later...

WWEddieD?


Kiddos...

Here's the link to the "Left Behind" video game trailer.

It's awesome: Get ready to live...or suffer eternal damnation!

Whatever your case may be.

(The site has some pretty kick ass screen shots, too.)

Eddie's ready for the apocalypse, I can tell you.

More info from MSNBC:
The game revolves around New Yorkers who are "left behind" after the rapture.

Players scour the streets for converts, training them into a work force to feed, shelter and join a paramilitary resistance against the growing forces of the Antichrist.
All kidding aside? I can't wait.

Really.

I love video games where you have to "scour the streets for converts" (a nice twist on Grand Theft Auto, yes?) so you can "train them into a work force."

That's a little game called "Living in the USA."

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

Actually, I can't wait for the real 'kin thing: After that, the rest of us can get back to biz.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK! HO HO!"

Good one, Lord.

*

Must read blog from Huff Po: Pomona College Professor Gets a Visit from the U.S. Gestapo

Long story short? The "War on Hugo Chavez" has begun, and an "expert on Venezuela" gets a surprise visit from the feds.
What has Venezuelan politics to do with the war against terrorism?

Who officially sent out the thugs to pay a visit to my colleague?

That "conversation" was clearly meant to serve two purposes: to add to Professor Tinker Salas's ongoing file in a fishing expedition to uncover something incriminating against him; and to let him know that THEY are watching, a not-so-subtle warning to intimidate in order to curb his speech.
Really, really creepy.

More later...

More in a bit...

Happy Friday, boys and girls.

Digging around for more info on the "Left Behind" game.

In the meantime, check out this ol' Brandoland story. (The traffic from Crooks & Liars is pretty rad, so I'm trying to capitalize on the new hits.)

A new post in a few hours.

'Til then...

Top 11 FBI Questions for Moz:

1. There is a light that never goes out. (Pause) Is it nuclear?

2. "Sweetness, sweetness...you should be bludgeoned in your bed." Who is "Sweetness?"

Were you referring to President Bush?

3. "If it's not love...then it's the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb."

A dirty bomb?

4. Is this...ten ton truck...filled with explosives?

5. You said you'd leap in front of a flying bullet for...who? Osama Bin Laden? Zarqawi?

6. The shy bald buddhist...planning a mass murder? Where is he?! Seriously, where is he?!

7. When you say it's gonna happen "now," what exactly do you mean?

8. "Burn down the disco, hang the blessed DJ." You're telling people to commit arson and murder. That's against the law, son.

9. Did Reggie Kray know your name?

10. You booked yourself into the Y...WCA. (Pause) Then what? Is that where you met Mohammed Atta?

And finally...the most important question for Moz:

11. Will you ever re-unite with Johnny Marr?!

???

"And if they don't believe me now...will they ever believe me?"

Probably not.

More later...

Thursday, March 09, 2006

WWMaidenD?


PC gamers?

Me has good news for ye.

Apocalyptic book series gets first video game


‘Left Behind: Eternal Forces’ to be released between December and April

Woe to you, oh Earth and sea, because the Devil sends the Beast with wrath...and the new Playstation:
SAN FRANCISCO - The first video game tied to the best-selling apocalyptic "Left Behind" book series will be released in coming months, a spokesman for Left Behind Games said Wednesday.

The PC game is titled "Left Behind: Eternal Forces" and will be released between December and April. Retail pricing was not immediately available.

Authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins have written more than a dozen novels for the series, which is based on prophecies from the Bible's Book of Revelation.
If you're not familiar with these books, get thee to Amazon.

Basically, the series tells the tale of those of us who are "left behind" after the apocalypse. Those of us who aren't "born again."

Irish Catholicism doesn't count: Sucks for me.

Wikipedia:
Based on fundamentalist interpretation of prophecies in the Biblical books of Revelation, Isaiah and Ezekiel, "Left Behind" tells the story of the end times, in which many have vanished --
"Born again Christians" go straight to Heaven --
-- leaving the world shattered and chaotic.

As people scamble for answers, a Romanian politician named Nicolae Jetty Carpathia, who, in his political rise to the head of the United Nations, has promised to restore peace and stability to all nations.

What most of the world does not realize is that Carpathia is actually the Antichrist of the Bible.

Coming to grips with the truth and becoming born-again Christians, Rayford Steele, his daughter, Chloe, their pastor Bruce Barnes, and young journalist Cameron "Buck" Williams begin their quest as the Tribulation Force to help save the lost and prepare for the coming tribulation, in which God will rain down judgement on the world.
Perfect story for a video game, yeah?

Back to the first article:
The first video game title is set in New York and pits a small resistance force against the Antichrist, who has seized power at the United Nations --

-- with the goal of world domination.
She'll be a challenge, boys and girls. That I can tell you.

She can shoot...friggin' laser beams...right out of her eyes!

But you can do it, nerds. I swear to the sweet baby Jesus. (She's not that smart: She married Nick Lachey, remember?)

Alright.

Can someone please explain the far Right's obesession with the UN?

I mean, I know they hate it...but come on.

WTF?!

More later...

"Let him who hath understanding reckon the Number of the Beast, for it is a human number. It's Number...is six hundred and sixty six."

Dug uh dugga dugga dugga duh dugga duh.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Them Jesus Lizards Ain't That Old

People,

Gallup: More Than Half of Americans Reject Evolution, Back Bible


Which means....they believe that the Jesus Lizards on the right here are about, oh, 6,000 years old.

"I'M GETTING TIRED OF THIS."

Me, too, Lord.

March on:
NEW YORK A Gallup report released today reveals that more than half of all Americans, rejecting evolution theory and scientific evidence, agree with the statement, "God created man exactly how Bible describes it."
"FAR MORE COMPLEX THAN THAT. TRUST ME."
Another 31% says that man did evolve, but "God guided."

Only 12% back evolution and say "God had no part."
"WHA' 'CHU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?!"

Whoa, take 'er easy, Lord:
Gallup summarized it this way: "Surveys repeatedly show that a substantial portion of Americans do not believe that the theory of evolution best explains where life came from."

"They are "not so quick to agree with the preponderance of scientific evidence."
Um...
Breaking down the numbers, Gallup finds that Republican backing for what it calls "God created human beings in present form" stands at 57% with Democrats at 44%.
"UH, OH."

I know where this is going:
Support for this Bible view rises steadily with age: from 43% for those 18 to 29, to 59% for those 65 and older. It declines steadily with education, dropping from 58% for those with high school degrees to a still-substantial 25% with postgraduate degrees.

Newport wraps it up: "Several characteristics correlate with belief in the biblical explanation for the origin of humans. Those with lower levels of education, those who attend church regularly, those who are 65 and older, and those who identify with the Republican Party are more likely to believe that God created humans 'as is,' than are those who do not share these characteristics."
I did not write that last sentence.

"BREAK IT DOWN FOR THE KIDDOS."

Yes, Lord.

The folks who believe that God created the world in "seven days" are a) less educated, b) church-going, c) old and d) Republican.

"YOU DID NOT USE THE WORD 'DUMB.'"

Less educated.

"IGNORANT."

Less educated.

"I'M COOL WITH THAT."

Once again, I'll remind you faithful Brandoland readers of the bits the nuns told us...back in the day:
US: Sister, did God really make the world in seven days?

SISTER MARY WHOEVER: Not seven of our days, you nitwits! Seven of HIS days!

US: How long is that?!

SISTER MARY WHOEVER: A really, really, really, really long time!

US: But, Sister, the Bible says that --

(Thwack)

US: Ow!

SISTER MARY WHOEVER: Moving on...to Noah. If you watched "In Search Of" last night, you might remember that --
"NOAH'S ARK IS PARKED SOMEWHERE ON MT. EVEREST?"

According to Leonard Nimoy.

"YOU KNOW SOMETHING? MY DAYS ARE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LONG."

I bet.

"THESE PEOPLE MAKE 'EM LONGER."

Agreed.

Onward Christian soldiers.

Absolute must read: Lewis Lapham's "The Case for Impeachment" - in the latest Harper's.

More later...

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Clarification


People...

Simple posts this week - lots of work - not much time to blog.

However --
MR. McCLELLAN: Let me go to Jim. Go ahead.

Q: I just wanted to ask in advance of the trip to New Orleans, something that broke last week that I don't think in the middle of the trip everybody sort of got their arms around -- I'm hoping you can clarify for me.
Ha!
That Associated Press report last week, it seemed to suggest that on the Thursday after Katrina, the President gave this interview on "Good Morning America" where he said there was no way to anticipate the severity of the storms or the levees breaking.

And then from the briefing on Sunday, it appears as though Max Mayfield and others are telling him that's exactly what could happen.

Is there a contradiction here?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, I think the transcript actually talks about levees being over-topped.

But we've already made clear what the President was referring to in that interview, and unfortunately some have taken it out of context and continue to take it out of context.

The President made it very clear what he was referring to. If you will recall on August 29th when the hurricane hit and then it passed the New Orleans area, there were a number of reports -- including media reports -- saying that New Orleans had dodged the bullet, and there was some sense that the worst-case scenario did not happen.

Remember, there were really two storms that hit, the initial hurricane and then the flooding that came after it. What we know now is that the worst-case scenario really did hit New Orleans, that the levees were breached. What the President was referring to was the sense that after the storm had initially passed, that there was a sense that that worst-case scenario had not happened.

We learned the next day, all of us learned that, in fact, the levees had been breached and that there was a systemic failure in the levees. That was what was certain that next morning. And that's what the President was referring to, and some have taken it out of context to suggest to you it was referring to any predictions before the hurricane hit.
You understand what the President was referring to, yes?
MR. McCLELLAN: We knew that this was a dangerous storm.

That's why the President was actively engaged in making sure that we were taking steps to prepare for it. That's why he issued emergency declarations ahead of the storm, so that supplies could be pre-positioned and emergency teams could be -- response teams could be pre-positioned in the region and act once that storm had passed. That's why the President called Governor Blanco and urged her to do a mandatory evacuation of New Orleans. That's why the President, on August 28th, went to the airwaves and publicly urged people in the Gulf Coast region to take this storm seriously, to get out of the way, to listen to the state and local authorities and follow their advice. He talked about how this is a dangerous and potentially devastating storm.

Q: When he says on Thursday, "no one could have anticipated," he's talking about this period of time after the storm had hit?

MR. McCLELLAN: After the hurricane had passed. That's right.

And there was -- remember, there were a number of media reports -- I can go back and cite those for you -- that evening, Monday evening, and even some later, saying that New Orleans had "dodged a bullet," that the worst-case scenario did not happen.
So what?! The media gets it wrong 90% of the time!

It's your job to get it right.

Man.
MR. McCLELLAN: Now, we knew that there was flooding going on, on that Monday, and that's why our priority was focused on saving lives. And our Coast Guard teams and others did a tremendous job in saving lives. The Coast Guard saved some 33,000 lives, and they were doing heroic work.

But let me step back and remind people what the President has said. Despite all the efforts that went on, there was a breakdown at all levels of government.

The President was not satisfied with the response at the federal level. That's why he undertook, directed his Homeland Security Advisor to do a comprehensive lessons learned review of the response efforts. And that review covered some 17 specific areas and provided some 125 recommendations for us to move forward. A number of them we're already acting on. Some of them are longer-term, some of them are ones that we can do before the next hurricane season.

And so the President is focused on making sure that we are applying those lessons learned to future natural disasters, or even terrorist attacks. There is much we can learn from this and our obligation to the American people is to do a better job next time, and that's what we are committed to doing.
Good.

Feel safer?

More later - hopefully.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Holy Sh*t!


If you need a break from Bushworld...

Get thee to Crooks & Liars for Natalie Portman's SNL short.

(From the dudes who brought us the "Chronic-cles of Narnia.")

100% brilliant: She has my eternal devotion.

V for Vendetta comes out on March 17th.

More later...

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Buddy, You Just Made the No-Fly List!


People...

Freedom is on the march!

Pakistan's Most Famous Cricket Player Detained At Home During Bush Visit To Thwart Protest

The Bushies were afraid of gettin' hit with a googly?
Pakistan's most famous-ever cricketer, former captain-turned-politician Imran Khan, spent Saturday confined to his home where authorities detained him to thwart his plan to lead a march to protest against Bush's visit.
Imran Khan, you just made the No-Fly list!

So there! Nyah!

More later...

Outsourced America


Well...

Our Kid has been busy:

Bush Tackles Outsourcing Issue


"On the final day of his India visit, the president defends U.S. firms that send jobs overseas."

'Coz it's good for 'Merica.

Right?
HYDERABAD, India — Touching on one of the most politically heated aspects of the U.S. relationship with India, President Bush on Friday defended American corporations that outsource jobs overseas in pursuit of inexpensive labor.

*

"People do lose jobs as a result of globalization, and it's painful for those who lose jobs," the president said during a round-table discussion at the India School of Business in this city about 800 miles south of New Delhi.

"But the fundamental question is, 'How does a government or society react to that?'

"And it's basically one of two ways. One is to say losing jobs is painful, therefore let's throw up protectionist walls.

And the other is to say losing jobs is painful, so let's make sure people are educated so they can find — fill the jobs of the 21st century."
Here are the jobs of the 21st Century, people:

Barrista
Wal-Mart Associate
On-Line Surveys (Seriously, YOU could be making $ in the next few minutes!)
Subway Sandwich Technician
Ebay
Whole Foods Associate
Real Estate (Seriously, YOU could be making BIG $ in the next few minutes!)
Barrista
On Thursday, the president played host in New Delhi to a meeting of chief executives focusing on trade policies and other economic issues.

The event included executives from corporate giants Cargill Inc., JPMorgan Chase & Co., Citigroup Inc., Honeywell International Inc., PepsiCo Inc., Visa International and Xerox Corp.
The Presidents of the United States of America.

Capice?

(They're getting what they want, people.)

More later...

Friday, March 03, 2006

God will be his judge

The news from the UK...

Blair: 'God will be my judge on Iraq'


Lord?

"THIS IS GONNA BE EASY."
Tony Blair has proclaimed that God will judge whether he was right to send British troops to Iraq, echoing statements from his ally George Bush.
Well?

"TONE, MY MAN, YOU FUCKED UP."

Thought so.
Explaining how he managed to live with the decision to go to war in Iraq, Mr Blair replied: "If you have faith about these things then you realise that judgement is made by other people.

If you believe in God, it's made by God as well."
"I THINK HE'S TALKING ABOUT 'MARS.' TOTALLY DIFFERENT GOD."

That would explain alot o' things, wouldn't it?

Those "other people" were the Bushies, BTW.

"YEP."

No more snarky comments.

Happy Saturday...

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I'm moving to Florida

People,

I'm moving to Florida.

Pizza Magnate Seeks Catholic-Governed Town

The Domino's guy wants to start a Catholic "Celebration."

I'm in!
NAPLES, Fla. - If Domino's Pizza founder Thomas S. Monaghan has his way, a new town being built in Florida will be governed according to strict Roman Catholic principles, with no place to get an abortion, pornography or birth control.

The pizza magnate is bankrolling the project with at least $250 million and calls it "God's will."
"HA! I'VE ALREADY GOT A CATHOLIC TOWN. IT'S CALLED 'CORK.'"

There you are, Lord. Long time...no hear from!

"BEEN BUSY. AMERICAN IDOL, YOU KNOW."

Right.
The town of Ave Maria is being constructed around Ave Maria University, the first Catholic university to be built in the United States in about 40 years. Both are set to open next year about 25 miles east of Naples in southwestern Florida.

The town and the university, developed in partnership with the Barron Collier Co., an agricultural and real estate business, will be set on 5,000 acres with a European-inspired town center, a massive church and what planners call the largest crucifix in the nation, at nearly 65 feet tall.
"MY PARENTS WENT TO SEE THE WORLD'S LARGEST CRUCIFIX AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT."

When I was a kid, I used to pray that Jesus would come alive and jump off the cross. Start singing the Doobie Bros.

"DURING THE 11:00 MASS AT ST. BERNARD'S. I REMEMBER"

That would've been cool.
Monaghan envisions 11,000 homes and 20,000 residents.
Good luck!
During a speech last year at a Catholic men's gathering in Boston, Monaghan said that in his community, stores will not sell pornographic magazines, pharmacies will not carry condoms or birth control pills, and cable television will have no X-rated channels.
"LET'S BE HONEST: THAT'S BAD BUSINESS."

Can you smuggle in stuff from the outside world?

And will Ave Maria have alternative pizza choices?

Like Pizza Hut or Papa John's?
Homebuyers in Ave Maria will own their property outright. But Monaghan and Barron Collier will control all commercial real estate in the town, meaning they could insert provisions in leases to restrict the sale of certain items.

"I believe all of history is just one big battle between good and evil. I don't want to be on the sidelines," Monaghan, who sold Domino's Pizza in 1998 to devote himself to doing good works, said in a recent Newsweek interview.
I, too, believe that all of history is just one big battle between good and evil.

For that very reason, I will never eat another piece of Domino's pizza.

"NOT EVEN THE BACON CHEESEBUGER FEAST PIZZA?"

Nope.

"YOUR LOSS, BRO-HAM."
Gov. Jeb Bush, at the site's groundbreaking earlier this month, lauded the development as a new kind of town where faith and freedom will merge to create a community of like-minded citizens. Bush, a convert to Catholicism, did not speak specifically to the proposed restrictions.
If you've ever driven through Disney's Celebration (near the Magic Kingdom), you know that this homogenous town-thing is a really creepy idea.

And I'm Irish Catholic.

BTW, the following message was just posted on the Yahoo Message Board (attached to this story):
"I AM FORMING A JEDI COMMUNITY NEXT DOOR - It will contain 30,000 Jedi."
Now we're talking!

"WHO'D WIN THAT FIGHT? CATHOLICS OR JEDI?"

You tell me.

(Pause)

"I WOULD NOT BET AGAINST MASTER YODA."

More later...