BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Pat Robertson: Sex Therapist


This IS NOT an Onion piece.

Trust me.

Pat Robertson: Sex Therapist.

Lifted from his recent interview on CBS' Sunday Morning.

The topic? "Miracles."
Rita Braver: You tell the story of -- being on a trip to the Holy Land, and some people coming to you and asking you if you can help a woman with severe asthma.

Pat Robertson: That's right.

RB: And you say -- that God spoke to you and --

PR: Well--

RB: -- told you --

PR: -- well it wouldn't (PH) quite that way. Well -- well anyhow, they thought she was demon possessed. And these women are in the conference, and they said, "Go cast demons out of her."

And I ignored it and ate dinner and went on to the meeting.

And then the next night, they had moved this poor woman out of the hotel. She was crying out for mercy and saying, "Oh God, help me," because she had such bad asthma.

So -- I had to go see her. But fortunately I had my wife with her, so we went to another hotel -- in the heart of Jerusalem and knocked on the door.

And here, this haunting woman, she looked like -- she really looked like she was terrified -- very attractive -- striking brunette, 45 years old, you know thin, 5'8" kinda thing.
Very attractive, striking brunette, 45, thin, 5'8" kinda thing?!

Pat, Pat, Pat.

Classic.
PR: And-- she had this look in her eyes. And -- so I went in, and my wife was with me. And they took the two chairs and I sat on the bed.

And I said, "Tell me about your problem." And she said, "I've got this asthma." And I said, "Have you been to the (LAUGHTER) doctor?" And -- and she said, "Yes. The doctor said my asthma was caused by praying with nuns."

And I said, (LAUGHTER) "A doctor?"

RB: That sounds--

PR: "A doctor?"

RB: -- that sounds like -- (LAUGHTER) you should've advised her, "Maybe go see another doctor."

PR: There was -- (LAUGHTER) well see -- the -- "A doctor told you this?" (UNINTEL) said, "Yes, that's what my doctor told me." And I says, "There is no way that praying with nuns is gonna cause you-- asthma." And then I prayed. And I said, "Lord, what's wrong with her?" I just prayed silently.

And the Lord said, "Ask about her sex life." And--
"WHOA, WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE!"

Hold on, Lord.
RB: The -- the Lord said that to you?

PR: Yes, He said that to me.

And I said, "There's no way I'm going to ask a strange woman about her sex life." So I said-- (COUGHS) "Excuse me for -- being personal, but would you tell me about your marriage."

She said, "Oh, I have a wonderful marriage." I said, "You do?" She (UNINTEL PHRASE), "A wonderful husband, wonderful marriage. It's just absolutely marvelous." I said, "You do?" She said, "Yes." So I prayed again. (LAUGHTER)

I said, "Lord, what's the matter?" And she -- He said, "Ask her about her sex life."
"I DID NOT!"

He says you did.

"DUDE SAYS A LOT OF THINGS!"

Too true.
RB: I-- it's hard to imagine the Lord -- saying this to you -- the Lord say -- well, He did. And I -- and I said, You know, please forgive me if I'm being personal, but tell me about your sex life."

And she said, "I don't have any."

And I said, "Well, I thought you had a wonderful marriage." And she said -- "I do, but I don't have any sex life."

And I said, "How long has that been going on?" And she said, "Two years." And I said -- "And that's when your asthma started, isn't it?" And she said, "Yes." And I said, "Well it's obvious that you're blaming yourself -- for this condition. What's the problem?"

And she said, "My husband's impotent."
"WELL I'LL BE GODDAMNED. HE'S GOT A POINT."

I can't believe I'm saying this...but I agree.

"HOWEVER, IF SHE WAS, YOU KNOW, UGLY -- "

Case closed - Pat would've blamed the asthma on the nuns and gone back to the hotel.

"YEP."
PR: And I said, "You think it's your fault." And she said, "Yes. It's -- I think it's my fault." And I said, "Well it isn't your fault. And it may be that he's working too hard. He may be having a physical impairment. But -- there's something in his life, that this isn't your fault." And she said, "It's not?"

I said, "Absolutely not." And I said, "Okay, now let's pray for your asthma. And she said, "Okay." And we prayed.

And God healed her asthma just like that.
"HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT."

Well --

"HEY, THE NEW BUILT TO SPILL ALBUM IS OUT TODAY!"

Cool.
RB: You -- you know that--

PR: There's --

RB: That's a tough one for people to swallow.

PR: I was there. My wife was the witness. And thank goodness she was there.

I never woulda done this otherwise.

But that woman went on her ma -- her way rejoicing. And it took maybe max, 10 minutes.
"THANK GOODNESS HIS WIFE WAS THERE."

Otherwise?

"WINK WINK, NUDGE NUDGE, EH, EH, EH?"

Yep.

Pat Robertson: You can't stop him - you can only hope to contain him!

More later...

BTW - Gas is basically $3/gal (for the low-grade unl) here in Silverlake/Los Feliz.

Bastards.

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