BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Big Babies!

Time for another installment of "Tales...of Big Conservative Babies!"

From The Stakeholder:
Starting this week, hundreds of young Capitol Hill aides will indulge in an annual rite of spring here by changing out of their business suits and heading over to the National Mall to play in the Congressional Softball League.

Amid all the partisan rancor of congressional politics, the softball league has for 37 years been a rare case of bipartisan civility...

This year, the league will be missing something: a lot of the Republicans.

During the off-season, a group of Republican teams seceded from the league after accusing its Democratic commissioner, Gary Caruso, of running a SOCIALIST year-end playoff system that gives below-average teams an unfair chance to win the championship.

The league "is all about Softball Welfare -- aiding the weak by punishing the strong," the pitcher of one Republican team told Mr. Caruso in an email.
Wwwaaaggghhh!

It's a fargin' softball league, ya big babies!
"The commissioner has a long-standing policy of punishing success and rewarding failure. He's a Democrat. Waddya' expect?" read another email, from Gary Mahmoud, the coach of BoehnerLand, a team from the office of Republican Majority Leader John Boehner.
Wa-wa-wwwaaaggghhh!!!

You just KNOW that these guys take the softball thing WAY TOO SERIOUSLY: Semi-professional outfits (complete with baseball stir-ups), equipment bags, high-tech gear, their own bats ("That's my bat, buddy. Get your own.") and sunflower seeds.

Us? It's all about that ice-cold beer...
The softball coup is a "reflection of how partisan and Republican this town has really become since Republicans took control," responds Mr. Caruso, a longtime Democratic aide who worked for congressmen in the 1980s and '90s. "Republicans come here and want to bash your head in.

And if they don't get their way, they pick up the ball and go home."
"Libtards" (or "feel good rock and rollers," as Rush likes to calls us) play games "for fun."

I guess that's our "problem."

"Your problem...is your love...of socialism!"
The commissioner of the secessionist league is Anthony Reed, 31 years old, a legislative aide to House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R., Ill.) and the coach of Denny's Grand Slam.

Mr. Reed and a small group of unhappy coaches formed this new league and persuaded 110 of the 190 teams in the old league to withdraw and join them.

Not all the teams in the new league are from Republican offices, but the rebellion was predominantly led by GOP teams, including Denny's Grand Slam, BoehnerLand, the 1040 Slashers, who represent Ways and Means Committee Chairman Bill Thomas, and a team of staffers from the office of Republican Rep. Bob Ney of Ohio.
Bet "Anthony" is a real fun guy.

You know him: He lived down the hall from you...freshman year. He was the guy who was always ripping down the "Earth Day" and GLAAD signs (posted on the dorm BB).

Probably dressed like he was 50...way back then: Navy blazer, blue oxford, khakis, loafers.

Read the Wall Street Journal while you were "wasting your time" with The Onion.

On that note, I've got a list of new team names for his secessionist league.

Ready?

Bald Before We're 30
We love Dockers
Reichstag
The Toby Keiths
Sheeple
Joementum
The Wal-Martians
Brooks Brothers
Stupid White Men
Abercrombie & Pitch
Hannimaniacs
Daddy Issues All

NOTE: Post your own nightmarish softball-league tales in the Haloscan below. Here in La La Land, there's nothing worse than the "actor athlete." (Trust me, he tries REALLY hard.)

More later...

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