BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Sharks With Friggin' Laser Beams


DR. EVIL: What is it now?

FRAU FARBISSINA: Well, we experimented with lasers, but you would be surprised at how heavy they are. They actually outweighed the piranha themselves, and the fish, well, they sank to the bottom and died.

DR. EVIL: I have one simple request, sharks with friggin' laser beams attached to their heads, and it can't be done?

Apparently, it can:

Shark and awe

"The Pentagon plans to put neural implants in sharks to have them serve as underwater spies -- another example of a defense budget gone mad."

Get ready to live:
According to the latest New Scientist magazine, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA, the blue-sky wing of the Pentagon, has set yet another group of American scientists loose to create the basis for future red-in-tooth-and-maw Discovery Channel programs.

In this case, they are planning to put neural implants into the brains of sharks in hopes, one day, of "controlling the animal's movements, and perhaps even decoding what it is feeling."

In their dreams at least, DARPA'S far-out funders hope to "exploit sharks' natural ability to glide quietly through the water, sense delicate electrical gradients and follow chemical trails.

By remotely guiding the sharks' movements, they hope to transform the animals into stealth spies, perhaps capable of following vessels without being spotted."
Your tax dollars at work, boys and girls.
Of course, the Navy has been in nature's waters in a big way for a while with its Marine Mammal Program in San Diego. There, it trains bottlenose dolphins as "sentries" and mine detectors.

Such dolphins were "first operationally deployed" in Vietnam in 1971 and a whole dolphin patrol (like, presumably, the shark patrol to come) is now on duty in the Khor Abd Allah waterway, Iraq's passageway into the Persian Gulf.

To the embarrassment of the Navy, a dolphin named Takoma even went "AWOL" there in 2003, soon after the invasion of Iraq began.
My God, we can't even control our dolphins.

Wonder how the Iraqi Dolphin Forces are doing?

No more snarky comments.

DR. EVIL: Remind me again why I pay you people?

More later...


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