BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

"Unleash Chang!" starring Jet Li



The camera pans over a beautiful Shaolin Temple in the mpountains of the Manchu Province. As we move in closer, we can see two men engaged in combat in the Temple's main square. They are surrounded by hundreds of SHAOLIN PRIESTS.


CHANG, a young Shaolin Monk, is engaged in combat with the JUSTICE OFFICER (an older, buffed-out Shaolin priest). The fighting is fast an intense. (Insert wire stunts here.) The Justice Officer is using butterfly knives; Chang uses a three-sectioned staff.

Chang makes an aggressive move and attacks the The Justice Officer with two sections of his staff. The Justice Officer uses his knives to block the attack. Chang then flips over the Justice Officer and pulls the old priest back over his head.

When the Justice Officer ends up on his back...Chang uses a butterfly knife against the old priest. Chang holds the blade an inch from the Justice Officer's throat. Then...


A Shaolin priest bangs the giant gong behind the main altar. (SFX)


MASTER LO, the master of the Shaolin Temple, claps his hands as he sits up in his throne.

MASTER LO - Chang!

Chang and the Justice Officer quit fighting. They jump up...and turn toward Master Lo.

Master Lo grabs his long white beard...and smiles.

MASTER LO - Brother Chang, you have completed the 36 Chambers of the Shaolin Temple!

Chang bows to the Justice Officer. The Justice Officer takes his place with the other Shaolin priests.

Chang approaches Master Lo.

MASTER LO - You have truly become...a great Shaolin priest.

CHANG - Thank you, Master.
Here are (Gov.) Bush's words, spoken before hundreds of lawmakers and politicians:

"Chang is a mystical warrior. Chang is somebody who believes in conservative principles, believes in ENTREPRENEURIAL CAPITALISM, believes in moral values that underpin a free society.
At that moment, Chang pulls out a large contract and hands it to Master Lo. Master Lo is beyond confused.

MASTER LO - Brother Chang, this is highly irregular. What is this piece of paper?

CHANG - It's the title to the Shaolin Temple. My Shaolin Temple.

A rumble through the crowd as the Shaolin priests react to Chang's statement.

MASTER LO - Your Shaolin Temple? Ha! The Shaolin Temple belongs to all of us...just as the sun and the sky. How can it be "your" temple?

CHANG - I own it.

MASTER LO - Brother Chang, the Shaolin Temple is not yours to buy. It's been ours for over 10,000 years.

CHANG - Not anymore. Not according to Citibank and the good people of KPMG. Not according to this piece of paper.

Chang claps his hands. At that moment, hundreds and hudreds of "private security forces" pour onto the grounds of the Shaolin Temple. These are the men of BLACKWATER SECURITY. They are armed to the f'ing teeth...and point their assault weapons at the Shaolin priests.

Master Lo raises his fists (crane-style kung fu) but is stopped by Chang. Then...

CHANG - Master Lo, be wise. Your crane-style kung-fu is no match for the men of Blackwater Security.

MASTER LO (protesting) - This is outrageous!

CHANG - No. This is entrepreneurial capitalism. For too long you have squandered the resources of this magnificent piece of property. Prime Chinese property. Poperty that could be turned into a world class Amangani resort, a golf course, or condo units. At the very least, the Shaolin Temple should be a private school. You could easily charge $50,000 a year to train on these grounds.

ANGLE ON: the Justice Officer.

JUSTICE OFFICER - I told you he was a fraud! He always carried himself with an air of superiorty!

A Blackwater guard smacks the Justice Officer with the butt of his assault rifle. The Justice Officer falls to the ground. Chang turns back to Master Lo.

CHANG - You see? Resistance is futile. I'm giving you 10 minutes to get out of here. It shouldn't take you long to gather your things...because you fools do not believe in "possessions."

MASTER LO - Hear my words, Brother Chang. You will live to regret this day. We shall return!

CHANG - You'd better return with cash fucking money, bro. Otherwise, ya ain't getting in. Now get the fuck out of here.

The Blackwater guards begin to shove the Shaolin monks toward the Temple gates.
Chang flips open his Razr. Then...

CHANG - Yes, Washington D.C.? The Carlisle Group, please.

Chang smiles as we...


More later...


  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... Unleash Chang... HAHAHAHAH... oh those Bushies... Hilarious

    By Blogger Sumisu, at 9:58 AM  

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