BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Friday, September 23, 2005

Chang VS Wu-Tang

Final installment, people.

Gov. Bush & his mystical buddy
After more than an hour of solemn ceremony naming Rep. Marco Rubio, R-West Miami, as the 2007-08 House speaker, Gov. JEB BUSH stepped to the podium in the House chamber last week and told a short story about "unleashing Chang," his "mystical warrior" friend.

Here are Bush's words, spoken before hundreds of lawmakers and politicians:

"Chang is a mystical warrior. Chang is somebody who believes in conservative principles, believes in ENTREPRENEURIAL CAPITALISM, believes in moral values that underpin a free society.

I rely on Chang with great regularity in my public life. He has been by my side and sometimes I let him down. But Chang, this mystical warrior, has never let me down."

Bush then unsheathed a GOLDEN SWORD and gave it to Rubio as a gift.

"I'm going to bestow to you the sword of a great CONSERVATIVE WARRIOR," he said, as the crowd roared.
CUT TO:

EXT. WU-TANG MOUNTAIN - DAY

The camera pans over a gorgeous mountain range on the northern edge of the Manchu Province...and focuses on a snow capped peak.

This is Wu-Tang Mountain.

EXT. WU-TANG TEMPLE - SAME

We see the Wu-Tang Temple, a spectacular Chinese monastery built around 7,000 B.C., on the far side of the peak.

INT. WU-TANG TEMPLE - SAME

Two WU-TANG SWORDSMEN are engaged in combat in the common area of the Temple. MASTER LIU, the head priest of the Wu-Tang, barks out commands from his throne.

MASTER LIU - Flying sparrow!

The Swordsmen go through the Flying Sparrow sword technique movements.

MASTER LIU - Tiger stance!

The Swordsmen go through the Tiger stance sword technique movements.

MASTER LIU - Eight divine sword technique!

The Swordsmen go through the Eight Divine Sword technique movements. We hear the sound of a gong, then...

MASTER LIU - Excellent! Your progress is impressive!

V.O. - Yes, but is it as impressive as my ENTREPRENEURIAL CAPITALISM?

MASTER LIU - Huh?

ANGLE ON: A mysterious figure dressed in peasant clothing.

MASTER LIU - Stranger! Reveal yourself! Who dares enter the Temple of the Wu-Tang?!

Master Liu whips out his sword and slices off the "peasant's" clothing...revealing CHANG. Chang is wearing Shaolin monk pants...and a Blackwater Security t-shirt.

MASTER LIU - A Shaolin monk! Fair warning, stranger! Your Shaolin Kung-Fu is no match for my Wu-Tang swordplay!

CHANG - That may be, Master Liu. But your Wu-Tang swordplay is no match for the men of Blackwater Security!

At that moment, dozens and dozens of Blackhawk helicopters begin to circle the skies above the Wu-Tang Temple.

MASTER LIU - Huh?

ANGLE ON: THE TEMPLE GATE.

There is a loud BOOM as the Temple Gate explodes into a thousand pieces. Moments later, hundreds and hundreds of BLACKWATER SECURITY GUARDS storm the Temple. The Wu-Tang priests try to fend off the private security forces...but their swords are useless against the high powered assault rifles...and gunfire from the helicopters.

Blood everywhere as the Wu-Tang priests fall one by one.

MASTER LIU - No!

Master Liu grabs a bigger sword from the altar of the Temple and FLIES toward Chang. Chang easily avoids Master Liu...and thumps him on the head with a briefcase.

CHANG - Foolish man! You have obviously never fought a CONSERVATIVE WARRIOR!

Chang flies toward Master Liu, grabs him by the throat, and drags him towards one of the helicopters.

MASTER LIU - Dog! Take your hands off me!

CHANG - Not until you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior!

MASTER LIU - Who?! How dare you desecrate the Wu-Tang Temple!

CHANG - It's not the Wu-Tang Temple anymore, Master Liu. It's the Asian headquarters for Halliburton International. Take him away!

Chang throws Master Liu into the cargo hold of the Blackhawk helicopter. Two Blackwater guards pin Master Liu down...and the pilot pulls the giant bird towards the sky.

Chang flips open his Razr, then...

CHANG - Yes, Dick Cheney's office please.

Chang smiles and we...

CUT TO:

More later. (But no more Chang.)
In a 1989 Washington Post article on the politics of tennis, former President George Bush was quoted as threatening to "UNLEASH CHANG" as a means of intimidating other players.
Now you know.

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