BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Friday, May 20, 2005


You'll remember this recruiting call from a few weeks ago:
SGT. KELT: "Hey Chris, this is Sgt. Kelt with the Army man. I think we got disconnected. Okay, I know you were on your cell probably and just had a bad connection or something like that. I know you didn't hang up on me. Anyway, BY FEDERAL LAW you got an appointment with me at 2 o'clock this afternoon at Greenspoint Mall, okay? That's the Greenspoint Mall Army Recruiting Station at 2 o'clock. YOU FAIL TO APPEAR AND WE'LL HAVE A WARRANT. Okay? So give me a call back."
As a reseult of this call, the Army decided to have a stand-down and to review their recruiting policies.

They've got some more stuff to dig through.

Excerpts from CHANNEL 5! in Cinncinnatti:

Cue the dramatic, local news music
Announcer: "An explosive Target 5 investigation. Our hidden cameras catch military recruiters making the Tri-state sound more dangerous than Iraq."
Trust me, that's Channel 5's copy -- not mine.
Recruiter: "You've got more chance of dying over here than you do over there."

Announcer: "So, why are Tri-state recruits ready to risk their lives not getting honest answers?"

Anchor: "The problem is so bad the military is planning a nationwide stand-down day. That means this Friday the Army won't do any recruiting. Why? Recruiters using outrageous tactics to get your son or daughter to enlist."
Buh duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh.

I'll give you the choice bits from the transcripts:
Wagner: "These days, it's a lot easier talking to high school students because military recruiters have easier access to your kids. As part of the NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND ACT, all schools that receive federal funding, and nearly all of them do, are required to give military recruiters access to your child's name, address and phone number."

Fisher: "From a recruiting standpoint, that's a great thing because a lot of people we couldn't get numbers to actually tell the Army story or the armed forces story we now can."

And what kinds of schools are NCLB schools?

"The best ones. Filled with the best and the brightest. Your Exeters, your Andovers, your Harvard-Westlakes."

Wagner: "But as Target 5 discovered, those military pitches can turn from fact to fiction in a matter of seconds. Target 5 sent four young men, with hidden cameras, into every Tri-state armed forces recruiting center. The conversations began with talk of job security."

Recruiter: "We guarantee you a job."

Wagner: "Signing bonuses."

Recruiter: "Up to $20,000."

Wagner: "And cash for college."

Recruiter: "Up to $70,000 for college."

Wagner: "But when the questions turn to safety, some Tri-state recruiters make Iraq sound more like a trip to Tahiti than a journey to war."

Recruiter: "You have more chance of dying here in the United States at, what is it, 36-percent die, kill rate here in the United States, people here just dying left and right, you have more chance of dying over here than you do over there."

Wagner: "The U.S. does not have a 36-percent kill rate. If that were true, more than 100 million people, one-third of the U.S. population, would be killed each year."

So get ready for more hilarity.
Recruiter: "If you get on the Internet and look up how many deaths are in Columbia, S.C., in the past year, year and a half, and then compare that to how many deaths there are in Iraq, there's more deaths going on in Columbia, S.C., for no reason, none, over a pair of Nikes, over a jacket, people stealing people's wallets, shooting people. There's more deaths going on in Columbia, S.C. -- I know, I just got back from there -- than there was in the whole time when I was in Iraq."
SUBTEXT: Do I have to spell out the heavy subtext of that statement for you?

Columbia, SC, Nikes, jackets, wallets?


46% of the population in Columbia is...any guesses?







Figure it out.
Wagner: "So Target 5 called the Columbia, S.C., police department, and despite the words of our Tri-state recruit, this city is hardly a hotbed for crime."

Sgt. Thomas Thomas of Columbia, S.C., police department: "There were 16 homicides in the city of Columbia in 2004. This year to date we have five in the city."

Wagner: "And if that recruiter thinks Columbia, S.C., listen to what this GI Joe Isuzu says about the danger of driving around Dayton, Ohio."
The GI Joe Isuzu schtick is Channel 5's -- not mine.

Bad schtick in a good piece.
Recruiter: "Dayton area alone, which is about four or five counties, Dayton area alone, 1,500 people died in two weeks. You know what that was from? Car wrecks. Those numbers that we get, we get from the actual highway patrol. So, I mean, all that stuff's factual. So, you look at that way. We've lost 1,500 soldiers so far over in Iraq. We've been over there for three years. If you add it together, 1,500 people died in five counties alone within two weeks, just from car wrecks."
I remember that story. The OHIO HIGHWAY CARNAGE story. 1,500 people just ramming into each other within a two week span.

The nation is still in mourning - over the worst national disaster since 9/11.

Uh...Channel 5?
Wagner: "The truth is, there aren't 1,500 deaths from car wrecks in the entire state of Ohio for an entire year."
That's what I thought.

Read the whole transcript.

I DO know...that there were over 1,500 deaths in Barstow last month...mostly from meth-lab explosions...but no one really cares about Barstow.

"Barstow: The Gateway to Hell."

Hopefully, none of those Ohio recruits will ever have to hear this speech:
WALTER- Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was...He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors, and bowling, and as a surfer explored the beaches of southern California from Redondo to Calabassos. And he was an avid bowler. And a good friend. He died--he died as so many of his generation, before his time. In your wisdom you took him, Lord. As you took so many bright flowering young men, at Khe San and Lan Doc and Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And Donny too. Donny who...who loved bowling.
Your comments, please.


  • Tory's Absolute Truths

    1) Cheesesteaks outside of Philadelphia and narrow portions of NJ resoundingly suck.
    2) If you exhale slowly and press your feet into the floor, it slows the panic.
    3) Bad movies + drive ins = good time
    4) Angry people are usually motivated by fear.
    5) Dancing can salvage even the worst days.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:21 PM  

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