BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Hussein's book

Good news, citizens.

"Saddam begins memoirs from behind bars"

Can you say, "New York Times best-seller?"
Saddam Hussein has decided to write his memoirs while he languishes in an Iraqi jail awaiting trial after more than two decades of being responsible for brutal abuses.

According to Giovanni di Stefano, who is a member of Mr Hussein's legal team, the former writer of allegorical novels better known as Iraq's dictator resolved in recent weeks to start writing his biography.

Mr di Stefano promised: “There will be quite considerable detail. The Americans [holding him] are relaxed about it and we've seen some of the translation.”
Wouldn't you know it? I've got some excerpts...right here.
The first time I met "Dandy" Don Rumsfeld? Lessee. That would be...December 20, 1983. Dude wanted to talk about the war with Iran, our "loans" from Uncle Sam, and alternative routes to transport our oil. Which had been hampered by the Iranian pig dogs.

I remember thinking, "Man, this guy is a mother-fucker." But in a good way. Like, you know, don't mess with this guy. If I went to war, I'd want him on our side. And he was, so that was cool.

I said to him, "You should be the President. The B-movie actor is cool and all, and we're grateful for his support, but, dude, c'mon." Don laughed...then looked me straight in the eye and said, "I can get so much more shit done under the radar."


Those steely eyes, the dry humor....brrrr!


When David Lee Roth left Van Halen? That was the worst day of my life. The best day, though, was the day I became a man. By assassinating some guy who was a supporter of (former) Iraqi ruler Abdul-Karim Qassim. That was in 1958. I was 21.


My 50th birthday party was crazy. We'd just finished renovations on the Imperial Palace, and had flown in a few bengal tigers for the party. And a bunch of girls from Los Angles and Moscow. One girl told me that she worked at Crazy Girls on La Brea. I said, "If I'm ever in Hollywood, I'll ring you up." She laughed, and we did each other in the master bathroom.

Those were the days before Viagra and Levitra, so we all did the best we could.

Uday was, what? 23? 24? Yeah, he was there. Runnning through the lobby...after some Russian whore...with his pants around his ankles. It was hilarious.


I came up with the term "Mother of all Wars" after watching Wrestlemania 5. The "Macho Man" Randy Savage kept going on and on about how Wrestlemania 5 would be the "mother of all battles," so I thought, "Cool, that's the catchphrase I've been looking for. I'll just add my own touch to it, and then we can deal with the Americans if they decide to be DICKS about the whole Kuwait thing."


Well, the soldiers just did not know what they wanted to do. I was like, "Look. Just take one camera package, get a group of guys, I'll hide in that hut, you guys kick the doors in, I'll fire a couple of blanks in the air, and you guys can snag me by the couch." But they weren't having it. The producer, a Jewish guy in his early forties, was like, "No. You don't get a gun. We're not gonna create the vibe that you tried to fight back." And I was like, "Fuck that!" But he was like, "We'll, the deal's off the table then."

So I consulted with my people and everyone agreed: Just let the Americans feel like they've won. Our "other people" will deal with them later.

And that's when I came up with the idea of "the hole." It took the soldiers about an hour to dig it, and less than ten minutes to shoot the whole scene. I think we did three takes, but only because I forgot to rub dirt on my face on the first one. We had a barebones crew, so we had to do our own make-up. Still, that day was very easy.


The interview with Dan Rather was bizzarre. God, does that guy ride his people. Man. "Courage?" What the fuck does that mean? You're on TV, man. You've got a cush life. Chill.

He asked me if I had a relationship with Bin Laden, and I remember thinking, "You, too? You, the guy who stood up to Bush I, you're gonna play this game with the administration? You're gonna repeat that propaganda?"



When I heard that the Americans were dealing with Chalabi and Allawi (a former Ba'athist!) and all those other fuckers, that was the day that I knew I was fuh-ucked. Fucked.

We'll get some of our people in there somewhere. I'm pretty sure of it.
More later?


  • I will read his book but only if you write it. ~Tory

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:20 PM  

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