BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Friday, December 03, 2004

ABSTINENCE!

Hello, kiddies.

My main man Henry Waxman (D-People's Republic of California) is at it again. Seems that he's been checking up on the Bushies plan to get kids to "Just Say No." The headline from yesterday's Washington Post?

"Some Abstinence Programs Mislead Teens, Report Says"

Yeah!

Some excerpts:
Many American youngsters participating in federally funded abstinence-only programs have been taught over the past three years that abortion can lead to sterility and suicide, that half the gay male teenagers in the United States have tested positive for the AIDS virus, and that touching a person's genitals "can result in pregnancy," a congressional staff analysis has found.
Hey. Touching genitals DOES lead to pregnancy. Everyone knows that.
Those and other assertions are examples of the "false, misleading, or distorted information" in the programs' teaching materials, said the analysis, released yesterday, which reviewed the curricula of more than a dozen projects aimed at preventing teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease.

In providing nearly $170 million next year to fund groups that teach abstinence only, the Bush administration, with backing from the Republican Congress, is investing heavily in a just-say-no strategy for teenagers and sex. But youngsters taking the courses frequently receive medically inaccurate or misleading information, often in direct contradiction to the findings of government scientists, said the report, by Rep. Henry A. Waxman (D-Calif.), a critic of the administration who has long argued for comprehensive sex education.
Man...

Waxman has figured out that millions of kids across the country have been exposed to this stuff. Some other "facts" kids have been a learnin'?

• A 43-day-old fetus is a "thinking person."

• HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, can be spread via sweat and tears.

• Condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time in heterosexual intercourse.

Doo bee doo bee doo.

"Hey. Ya ever heard of the great philosopher Fetuserus? Student of Plato? Conceived 410 BC? Dude was still in the womb when he wrote his first, great indictment of the Socratic Method. 43 days old, too."

"I've heard of him. A great thinker! Praise Apollo he was not aborted."

Waxman went on to say that:
"I have no objection talking about abstinence as a surefire way to prevent unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases," Waxman said. "I don't think we ought to lie to our children about science."
Right.

Uh...one thing? You know, in regards to, uh, lying to our children about science? Can we deal with the Grand Canyon thing? I'm not sure what's worse - "bein' learned" 'bout the Grand canyon bein' 6,000 years old...or getting pregnant via "touching genitals."

The scariest bit from the article? Get ready.
Some course materials cited in Waxman's report present as scientific fact notions about a man's need for "admiration" and "sexual fulfillment" compared with a woman's need for "financial support." One book in the "Choosing Best" series tells the story of a knight who married a village maiden instead of the princess because the princess offered so many tips on slaying the local dragon. "Moral of the story," notes the popular text: "Occasional suggestions and assistance may be alright, but too much of it will lessen a man's confidence or even turn him away from his princess."
It will also send the man running to the nearest Hooter's.

Wow. I mean...where to start?

I'm not even gonna genital touch the "scientific facts" re: man's need for admiration and sexual fulfillment VS a woman's need for financial support. No. We already know that too many 'Merican dudes operate with that particular handbook. I'm more interested in the "Choosing the Best" series, a series designed to help teens learn how to find their "soulmate." www.choosingthebest.org. Good times. Trust me.

I wanna get into the "knight hooking up with the village maiden thing."
One book...tells the story of a knight who married a village maiden (ie PEASANT GIRL) instead of the princess because the princess offered so many tips on slaying the local dragon." Moral of the story," notes the popular text: "Occasional suggestions and assistance may be alright, but too much of it will lessen a man's confidence or even turn him away from his princess."
My brain hurts.

Other reasons the knight "chose" the peasant girl over the princess?

1. The knight used his family connections to get into Yale, and ended up with a "C" average. He couldn't stand the fact that the princess, a Harvard grad, was smarter (and more self-confident) than he was.

2. The princess was not impressed with the knight's bullshit oil company...funded by his daddy's friends. That drove the knight crazy, because he was so used to "hooking up with the kinda chicks" who were.

3. The Princess had an excellent job and ran with a very groovy crowd. The knight had a very hard time understanding "those people." On that front, the princess was not willing to leave the East Village for Los Retardos, TX.

4. The Princess fell out of her chair...laughing...when the knight came home from his first "Promise Keepers" meeting. The knight told the princess that it was a woman's duty, in the eyes of the Lord, to serve her "master." The princess told the knight to "go fuck himself."

5. The Princess had ambition. The peasant girl had that beaten out of her before she got out of high school.

"Occasional suggestions and assistance." A true sign that you are dating a feminazi. And not "choosing the best."

Don' t you think?

More later...



1 Comments:

  • I'm going to vomit.

    Read the "Success Stories" portion of the choosingthebest.org site. I like the one from Shithole, Texas -- no wait, Waco, Texas -- bragging that thanks to their "choosing the best" program, they've seen a 5% decrease -- FIVE PERCENT! WOO HOO! -- in out-of-wedlock pregnancies in their 7-9th graders.

    So... "out-of-wedlock"? You have to clarify THAT?! Wow... rough.

    By Blogger Betsy, at 12:01 PM  

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