BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Monday, November 29, 2004

Yes, it's time for another episode of...Tales From the Red States.

(Cue theme music.)

In this episode, Evangelical Christians tell the President, "It's payback time!"

In the words of that immortal bully Nelson Muntz, "Ha ha!"

Check out this excellent little USA Today-ish type article (less the "think-and-do pages") from ABC News here.

Some of my favorite excerpts:

"Among some conservative Christians, there is a belief that President Bush received a 'moral mandate' to win the recent presidential election — and they are calling on him to act on their agenda now."

"Values" voters delivered for the president, and the president must now deliver for them — especially in the courts, said Gary Cass, head of a grassroots political organization affiliated with (the Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church in Fort Lauderdale, Fla.) , called the Center for Reclaiming America. "It's about the next 40 years and how the courts are going to affect the world in which my children and grandchildren are going to be raised in," he said. Cass wants a U.S. Supreme Court that will outlaw abortion and gay marriage. "Do you want to take your children to a National League baseball game for instance and have homosexuals showing affection to one another? I don't want my kids to see that," he said.

(He's right. Club Level 201-203...Dodger Stadium? Out of fucking control. People getting naked, dudes going down on each other during the's crazy. Don't know what it is about baseball, but "the gays" love to get jiggy in Chavez Ravine. Cute guys in cute uniforms, I guess. Let's return to the article.)

"(Evangelical Christians) believe that if their agenda is not implemented quickly — if their concerns are not addressed in a timely fashion — God will be angry."

(Possible responses from an angry God include plagues, floods, and Armageddon. And a new record from Jessica Simpson. Look out.)

One leading evangelist recently warned, "God's patience runs out." Dr. James Kennedy delivers sermons at Coral Ridge which are broadcast to 3 million homes. He said he knows of no timetable for God's wrath, but wants results fast.

(I have the old timetable. It's in the Old Testament. Dude is not as fast as he used to be. Unless you calculate the number of times you hear the word "Parishilton" in a day. If you do that...His wrath is pretty awesome.)

People who are concerned about the influence of Christianity "have never really surrendered their life to God and submitted themselves to his commandments — and if they did that they wouldn't have so much concern about some court saying again that it's wrong," he said.

("God's law" over "the law of man." Remember that point.)

Asked about the millions of Americans who are not Christian, or have a different interpretation of Christianity, Kennedy said with another laugh: "I couldn't care less. It's true."

(Meaning...the millions and millions and millions of Americans who are not "born again." Meaning...the millions and millions of Americans who are doomed to Life in Hell. Remember that point, too.)


Okay. Here's the thing. The one thing that the Evangelicals really, really want...besides Roe vs Wade and the Gay Marriage thing? The return of Christ. The Rapture. End Times.


Unless W (or his buddy "the Architect") has a big ace up his sleeve...some major pull with God...or the technology to breed the Red Calf...I'm thinkin' that our very dear Evangelical friends are in for some frustrating times. Yeah, a judge here, a judge there. A couple of bucks for some "faith-based" after-school programs. Maybe...low ratings for "Desperate Housewives." Yada yada.

But other than that...I'm not too worried about getting "Left Behind."


More later...


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