BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Quick flashback to my last blog (see below):

“Instead of praying for my own serenity and Pat Robertson’s ‘well being,’ I’d like to launch my own prayer offensive against the monstrously wealthy leader of the CBN; Dear God or Jesus, please drop a house on this motherfucking idiot. Or smack him with a large school bus. At least. Thank you.”

Well, I’m happy to report that somebody upstairs was listening. No, Pat was not smacked with a bus. He was smacked with something better.

A really, really bad investment.

Read on.

He's No Goldfinger
Liberia's troubles are hurting Pat's gold prospects.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003
By Daniel Roth

Liberia is in chaos, and that's bad news for televangelist Pat Robertson. Liberian President Charles Taylor has been indicted for war crimes by a UN-backed court in Sierra Leone, rebels control large chunks of the country, and President Bush wants Taylor out before the U.S. considers sending peacekeeping troops.

That's not the business climate Robertson was praying for in 1998, when he invested in Liberian land containing gold that some speculate could be worth $1.7 billion. Robertson's goal: to find a way to forever fund his evangelical empire—even if that meant giving up options for 10% of his mine to the Taylor government. "This man Taylor is not the monster everybody makes him out to be," Robertson explained to FORTUNE last year.

Now that Taylor's days appear numbered, it's not clear what will happen to Robertson's venture. He has spent $8.4 million with little return, a necessary drill is stuck on the docks of Monrovia, and he's axed his Liberian workers. He's also been using his 700 Club platform to berate the U.S.: "How dare the [U.S.] President say to the duly elected President of another country, 'You've got to step down.’

Ha ha, what a dick.

God, I don’t know where to start with this one. It…it…It never ceases to amaze me…the level of hypocrisy is just so…I mean, c’mon, the guy was killing his own people by the truckloads and you…you’re doing business with…how did you even get that particular “business opportunity? Who would even think about investing in a place like Liberia? (A: someone with a lotta cash and some SERIOUS inside information, that’s who.)

You know what, Pat? FU. FU and the apocalyptic horse that you rode in on. That’s what you get for dealing with a scumbag.

And thank you, Jesus.

In other financial news, check out this little ditty from today’s Salon:

'Idol' Ruben was paid to wear jerseys on show.

Aug. 6, 2003 | BIRMINGHAM, Ala. (AP) -- Owners of hip-hop clothing maker 205 Flava Inc. say they secretly paid Ruben Studdard to wear the company's bright jerseys on "American Idol," despite a ban by the program on such deals.

A lawyer for owners Willie and Frederick Jenkins responded Monday to a lawsuit filed by Studdard last week accusing the brothers of wrongly profiting from his image as the second "American Idol" winner.

The Jenkins' lawyer, at a news conference, showed copies of $10,000 in checks made out to Studdard's brother, Kevin Studdard, and his manager, Ron Edwards.

Lawyer LaVeeda Morgan Battle, who spoke on behalf of the Jenkins brothers, said Studdard told them to "keep this confidential" because the Fox network prohibits "American Idol" contestants from entering into contracts while on the show.

(You got that right.)

"We have major sponsors like Old Navy," said Michael Jaffa, vice president of business and legal affairs for American Idol Productions Inc., explaining the ban on outside contracts. "There were issues promoting a brand in competition with our sponsors."

Doo bee doo bee doo.

Memo to Ruben: Dude, you fucked up. You fucked up bad. You picked the wrong group of people to mess with. Trust me, you do not want to mess with Fox Biz and Legal. They’ve been trained in Hell, and have the power to make the rest of your life a living one. They didn’t draw up those fancy, shmancy papers for nothing, my friend. You should’ve worn the fake “vintage high-school tee” from Old Navy. You know, the one that said “Eastport Vikings?” The one that had the bad, cartoon Viking face. The one you hated. What? They wanted you to wear the “Old Navy Basketball Team” tank? Damn straight, dude. You signed your name on the dotted line, you wear the shirt.

It made you look like a fool? C’mon, man, you were a contestant on ‘American Idol.’ That automatically makes you look like a…what? No, I’m totally serious. They paid big bucks to put you in that tank. You gotta dance in the dress they brung ya in…or something like that.

Dude, if Rupert wants you to sing “Hear it Through the Grapevine” in a French maid’s outfit, you sing the song in a French maid’s outfit.

Good luck with the rest of your life.

More later.


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