BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Friday, August 15, 2003


(Spending a few days in the Grand Tetons - will be back soon.)

Well, they lubed us up, and now they're f#%*ing us (again) here in SoCal: gas is at a $1.90/gal and climbing...HOURLY. Was $1.60 or so (in the poorer neighborhoods, of course) a week ago, but we're finally back to "war prices." God, people were dancing in the streets when the prices began to fall in July...

But that over.

Get used to it.

Wonder what the "excuse" is this time. (Last summer, Sen. Levin kept the prices from climbing by ranting and raving about the artificial hikes, but that was back when the Dems controlled the Senate. Hmmm.)

So GW wants to upgrade this "weak grid."


Who's gonna get that job?

Gee, I wonder. (I knew there was a reason that Kennyboy wasn't in jail.)

Checked in on some of the talk shows today (I listened to Hannity until I developed brain cancer), and yep, you guessed it, they were all screaming and yelling about the power outage and Clinton doing nothing for eight years and "enviros" getting in the way of nuclear power plant construction and liberals blocking our attempts to "free ourselves from our dependence on foreign oil" and the liberals thwarting the (uber pro-biz) "Energy Bill" on Capitol Hill and blah blah blah blah blah.

Fuckers. They are using this "crisis" already...

Get ready for crazy energy bills.

Christ, a better read re: yesterday's blackout, the Repubs and deregulation!!!

It's coming, folks...


A must read re: yesterday's blackout...

Can't wait to hear the Repub response to this issue: "If this ol' system was DE-regulated, we'd never have this kinda problem!"

And you'd pay about three times what you're paying now.

Looks like the meeting between Ken "Kennyboy" Lay and Ahhnold back in the early summer of 2001 is actually gonna go somewhere...

More later.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003


The Bushies had many “reasons” for this costly operation in Iraq; Sadaam’s a bad guy; the dude is responsible in a round-about way for 9/11; the Iraqi people can’t wait to be liberated and we wanna be the ones who liberate them. However, their biggest and baddest reason for throwing 145,000 ‘merican soldiers at Sadaam was Sadaam’s monstrous stock-pile of WMD’s. As far as the neo-cons were concerned, Sadaam was 45 minutes away from nuking Indiana with that stock-pile and that’s why we had to take him out. They ranted and raved about that stock-pile until John Q Public bought the pitch hook, line and sinker. John Q then sat back in his comfy chair and anxiously awaited for the day when he could turn on Fox to watch our soldiers dig up that stock-pile that threatened his wife, his kid, his girlfriend, and his wood-shed business.

Well, that Fox-friendly scene hasn’t happened. According to military and intelligence insiders who aren’t afraid of pissing off the prez…it ain’t gonna. And so…John Q is asking questions. (“The price of gas ain’t come down at all. Fact, ‘sgone up. Why?”) And, he’s wondering why our soldiers are dying at the alarming post-Baghdad Victory Parade-rate of one a day.

Cut to Karl Rove’s office. The task? Re-re-re-re-re-re-reminding John Q why we got into this mess in the first place. The (new) answer? “Sadaam’s” dreaded “Weapons of Mass Destruction Program.”

Not his “weapons of mass destruction,” but his “weapons of mass destruction PROGRAM.”

Pro-gram (n) 1. a plan of action for achieving something.


“Like, my plan to build my wood shed business into something that could compete with Home Depot ‘coz I know tools better than they do?”
“Like the plan I scribbled out on that IHOP napkin?”
“You got it.”
“Uh oh.”

Weapons of Mass Destruction Program.

Listen carefully when the Bushies use that brand-spanking-new term to qualify the military operation in Iraq in the weeks to come.

It’ll be subtle at first. For instance…at his wildly exiting press conference on July 30, GW told a group of White House recorders that, "It’s going to take time for us to gather and analyze the mounds of evidence, literally the miles of documents that we have uncovered. Meaning, “We don’t need to find missiles and chemicals because we have papers that prove that the evil-doer was thinking about them.”

Then, as soon as John Q is fattened up on a steady diet of terms like “WMD PROGRAMS” and “MILES OF DOCUMENTS”, the powers at be will run excerpts from the “WMD PROGRAMS” and “MILES OF DOCUMENTS” on Drudge, Rush and Fox. And there will be much rejoicing.

I take that back. They’ll run those excerpts as soon as GW finishes his month-long “working vacation” at his ranch (now celebrating its FOURTH year!) in Crawford, Texas. And there will be much rejoicing.

Again, people; the miles of DOCUMENTS. Papers. Papers that will prove that Iraq had a WMD Program. Papers that will justify the deaths of American soldiers and innocent Iraqis and the 600 billion dollars that is moving from our treasury to Bechtel and Halliburton.

Because you don’t need to find actual WMD’s if you got papers that prove that someone was thinking about them.

Any chance that there’s a half a mile of receipts from the US companies that sold WMD parts to Iraq in the 80’s and 90’s in those miles of documents?


Thursday, August 07, 2003

Happy Thursday.

I was fairly certain that I was gonna jot down a few thoughts about Arnold jumping into that race fer govnuh…until I read this:

Gary Coleman on California ballot
Thursday, August 7, 2003

(CNN) -- Gary Coleman, child star of the sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes," has placed his name among a host of other celebrities in the running for California governor.

Coleman's candidacy was engineered by the East Bay Express, an Oakland-area newspaper, which paid his $3,500 filing fee, collected the necessary petition signatures and is promoting his candidacy in protest of the scheduled vote aimed at recalling Gov. Gray Davis.

(Wait. Is that “East Bay Express” or “East Bay XXX-Press?” I’m just wondering. Back to the article.)

Coleman's campaign treasurer, Steve Buel, editor of the East Bay Express, told CNN that the actor's name "resonates with the voters."

(Hell yes it does. Resonates with me…at least. Suggests “excellence.” Back to the article.)

Buel said he had no trouble getting the necessary 65 petition signatures from Independent voters in Alameda County, which he gathered at a recent Oakland A's baseball game.

(From homeless people sitting up in the nosebleeds. Back to the article.)

The Alameda County Registrar of Voters confirmed Wednesday that a representative for Coleman filed the necessary petition signatures and paid the required fee at the courthouse in Oakland, California. He registered as an Independent.

California voters will decide October 7 whether to recall Gov. Gray Davis, a Democrat, and who should replace him.

(Hopefully, California will replace Davis with Coleman.)

"I thought (the recall) was a joke. They thought it was a joke. And I thought, hey, why not," Coleman, 35, told CNN. "I'm probably the least qualified for the job, but I'll have some great people around me."

(Like who? Todd? Mr. Drummond? Dana?! Is she still alive?!! Thought she died during her “last” Vegas hold-up. Note to self; check “E’s” web-site for info re: Dana Plato. Wait. What about “Nancy?” You gotta call Nancy! Tell her that you’re running, dude. She’ll be psyched. Oh, I know; she’s been super-busy with Ron. But, for chrissakes, Gary, she RAN California. Back in the day. Breaking up student protests in Berkeley. Deregulating stuff for pals. Closing industrial plants in Los Angeles ie eliminating “annoying union jobs from the state.” She knows how to do it, man. Trust me. Call her. She’ll drop some knowledge on you.)

"It's true that there is a farcical quality to the entire recall effort. But Gary's candidacy is no more farcical than that of Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Arianna Huffington, or the comedian Gallagher," Buel said.

Schwarzenegger, Huffington and Gallagher have all announced they will seek to replace Gov. Davis.

(Whoa. Whoa. Whoa! Gallagher? Gallagher?! WHICH ONE?!! There are two “Gallaghers” working the nation’s casinos, Mr. CNN! The real one and his brother. Which one is it?! Oh, this is officially out of hand, people.)

Schwarzenegger's announcement came at a Wednesday afternoon taping of NBC's "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.

(And just a few days after ticket sales for “T3” trickled down to nothing.)

Coleman, speaking shortly after film star Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he was running for governor, predicted that Schwarzenegger would win -- and Coleman said he would vote for the "Terminator."

(Gary, Gary, Gary. Making a concession speech the same day you announce your candidacy? That’s not how it’s done, Gare-bear. C’mon, man. Have some faith. You’ve got a chance! Fight. Come up with a cool platform and run. I believe in you, dude. You’re an underdog. People love underdogs. David vs. Goliath, man. Literally! Hey, if you’re not gonna do it for me, do it for those 65, homeless Athletic fans who put their name on the dotted line for you.)

"Now that Arnold is in the race, there is no race. Gray Davis needs to pack his bags," he said. "I'm going to stay in the race, but I'm not going to campaign."

(Stop it! Bad form, bad form, bad form. “I’m not going to campaign?” Are you insane? I appreciate the “diff’rent” approach to politics, but it’s not gonna work. You gotta get out there with a message, man. No matter what it is. You are Gary Coleman. When you speak, people listen. Just keep it simple. “No More Jobs.” “Let’s Get Rid of Barstow.” “Nick at Nite in Every Home.” Hey, who’s your campaign manager? Make him watch C-Span for a couple of days. Crossfire. He’ll figure it out.)

On Diff'rent Strokes from 1978 to 1986, Coleman played Arnold Drummond, who, along with his brother, Willis (played by Todd Bridges), was adopted by a wealthy man after their mother, the man's maid, died.

(I did not know that! Their mom was Mr. Drummond’s maid? Cool. Was that in the pilot? How did she die? What? Holding up a video store in north Vegas? Ha, ha. Very funny.)

His trademark retort, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout," became a well-known catch phrase.

(You mean, “Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”)

(Soleil Moon Frye is expected to announce her candidacy on Friday.)

(More later.)

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Quick flashback to my last blog (see below):

“Instead of praying for my own serenity and Pat Robertson’s ‘well being,’ I’d like to launch my own prayer offensive against the monstrously wealthy leader of the CBN; Dear God or Jesus, please drop a house on this motherfucking idiot. Or smack him with a large school bus. At least. Thank you.”

Well, I’m happy to report that somebody upstairs was listening. No, Pat was not smacked with a bus. He was smacked with something better.

A really, really bad investment.

Read on.

He's No Goldfinger
Liberia's troubles are hurting Pat's gold prospects.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003
By Daniel Roth

Liberia is in chaos, and that's bad news for televangelist Pat Robertson. Liberian President Charles Taylor has been indicted for war crimes by a UN-backed court in Sierra Leone, rebels control large chunks of the country, and President Bush wants Taylor out before the U.S. considers sending peacekeeping troops.

That's not the business climate Robertson was praying for in 1998, when he invested in Liberian land containing gold that some speculate could be worth $1.7 billion. Robertson's goal: to find a way to forever fund his evangelical empire—even if that meant giving up options for 10% of his mine to the Taylor government. "This man Taylor is not the monster everybody makes him out to be," Robertson explained to FORTUNE last year.

Now that Taylor's days appear numbered, it's not clear what will happen to Robertson's venture. He has spent $8.4 million with little return, a necessary drill is stuck on the docks of Monrovia, and he's axed his Liberian workers. He's also been using his 700 Club platform to berate the U.S.: "How dare the [U.S.] President say to the duly elected President of another country, 'You've got to step down.’

Ha ha, what a dick.

God, I don’t know where to start with this one. It…it…It never ceases to amaze me…the level of hypocrisy is just so…I mean, c’mon, the guy was killing his own people by the truckloads and you…you’re doing business with…how did you even get that particular “business opportunity? Who would even think about investing in a place like Liberia? (A: someone with a lotta cash and some SERIOUS inside information, that’s who.)

You know what, Pat? FU. FU and the apocalyptic horse that you rode in on. That’s what you get for dealing with a scumbag.

And thank you, Jesus.

In other financial news, check out this little ditty from today’s Salon:

'Idol' Ruben was paid to wear jerseys on show.

Aug. 6, 2003 | BIRMINGHAM, Ala. (AP) -- Owners of hip-hop clothing maker 205 Flava Inc. say they secretly paid Ruben Studdard to wear the company's bright jerseys on "American Idol," despite a ban by the program on such deals.

A lawyer for owners Willie and Frederick Jenkins responded Monday to a lawsuit filed by Studdard last week accusing the brothers of wrongly profiting from his image as the second "American Idol" winner.

The Jenkins' lawyer, at a news conference, showed copies of $10,000 in checks made out to Studdard's brother, Kevin Studdard, and his manager, Ron Edwards.

Lawyer LaVeeda Morgan Battle, who spoke on behalf of the Jenkins brothers, said Studdard told them to "keep this confidential" because the Fox network prohibits "American Idol" contestants from entering into contracts while on the show.

(You got that right.)

"We have major sponsors like Old Navy," said Michael Jaffa, vice president of business and legal affairs for American Idol Productions Inc., explaining the ban on outside contracts. "There were issues promoting a brand in competition with our sponsors."

Doo bee doo bee doo.

Memo to Ruben: Dude, you fucked up. You fucked up bad. You picked the wrong group of people to mess with. Trust me, you do not want to mess with Fox Biz and Legal. They’ve been trained in Hell, and have the power to make the rest of your life a living one. They didn’t draw up those fancy, shmancy papers for nothing, my friend. You should’ve worn the fake “vintage high-school tee” from Old Navy. You know, the one that said “Eastport Vikings?” The one that had the bad, cartoon Viking face. The one you hated. What? They wanted you to wear the “Old Navy Basketball Team” tank? Damn straight, dude. You signed your name on the dotted line, you wear the shirt.

It made you look like a fool? C’mon, man, you were a contestant on ‘American Idol.’ That automatically makes you look like a…what? No, I’m totally serious. They paid big bucks to put you in that tank. You gotta dance in the dress they brung ya in…or something like that.

Dude, if Rupert wants you to sing “Hear it Through the Grapevine” in a French maid’s outfit, you sing the song in a French maid’s outfit.

Good luck with the rest of your life.

More later.