BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Hello, dear reader. Back from a self imposed exile. Work and vacation, you know.

The Jackass Patrol has been called to duty. Read on:

Robertson Calls for Justices' Retirement

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (AP) -- Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson urged his nationwide audience Monday to pray for God to remove three justices from the Supreme Court so they could be replaced by conservatives.

“We ask for miracles in regard to the Supreme Court,'' Robertson said on the Christian Broadcasting Network's ``The 700 Club.''

Robertson has launched a 21-day ``prayer offensive'' directed at the Supreme Court in the wake of its 6-3 June vote that decriminalized sodomy. Robertson said in a letter on the CBN Web site that the ruling “has opened the door to homosexual marriage, bigamy, legalized prostitution and even incest.''

The same letter targets three justices in particular: “One justice is 83-years-old, another has cancer and another has a heart condition. Would it not be possible for God to put it in the minds of these three judges that the time has come to retire?''

Judging from the descriptions, Robertson was referring to Justice John Paul Stevens, who was born in 1920, and Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who had colon cancer surgery in 1999. The identity of the third justice was unclear.

Doo bee doo bee doo.

Christ, where to begin?

How about a comment from God?

“When asked about Robertson’s ‘prayer offensive,’ God replied, ‘Yeah, we kinda thought he’d do something like this. You know, in the wake of the recent Supreme Court decision. It’s funny, but what can you do? We’re talking about Pat Robertson. I’ve tried to put a ‘dude, would you fucking relax’ thought in his mind, like, a billion times, but it’s no use. He’s a complete nutter.”

When I was a tiny little Catholic tyke, I used to ask “god” for things like bikes and comics and Easy-Bake ovens. When I got a bit older, say around five or six, I began to understand that “god” was not in the business of providing material things like bikes, comics and Easy-Bake ovens. It was simple; no matter how many times I prayed for the power of flight, he just wasn’t gonna give it to me. Instead, I was supposed to “pray” for things like personal strength, courage and serenity, and the “well being” of others. The extension of that practice was that, if I asked ”god” for help re: my own “well being,” I’d make “things” around me “better.”

But that’s not how it works in Pat’s world, the fundo-christian world. There, you get to pray for things like Bill Clinton’s death, Hillary Clinton’s death, and the early retirement of three liberal Supreme Court justices. Because those “things” will make “things” in the fundo-christian world (the only world that matters) better.

So, dear reader, I’m gonna take a page from Pat’s book. Instead of praying for my own serenity and Pat Robertson’s “well being,” I’d like to launch my own prayer offensive against the monstrously wealthy leader of the CBN.

“Dear God or Jesus, please drop a house on this motherfucking idiot. Or smack him with a large school bus. At least. Thank you.”

More later.


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