BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Thursday, May 08, 2003

(Note - If you don’t have the new White Stripes album “Elephant,” GO GET IT.)


My friends, something hit me after I posted yesterday’s entry re: the Dixie Chicks. No, it wasn’t the tremendous joy I felt when I heard that President Cheney is down for another run in ’04. (So awesome!) I’ve come to the realization that, well, the good Lord put me on this planet to expose the Dixie Chicks for what they are; evil. Pure Satan-loving, Clinton-worshipping, chidren-hating, liberal evil. There’s a reason that they’ve been banned from country radio (by folks who are much wiser than I am); they’re trying to destroy our great nation with their demonic music.

Well, sir, I won’t let ‘em do that anymore.

It’s time to take the Chicks down. I’m gonna dive right back into the cesspool of Dixie Chick lyrics to show you, the reader, just what these liberal harlots are up to (with lots of help from HELLywood, of course).

Let’s start with the lyrics to “Sin Wagon.”

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little bit more of my twelve-ounce nutrition
One more helpin' of what I've been havin'
I'm takin' my turn on the sin wagon

Boy, that is really fucking sad. Blasphemin’ the Lord and attacking W for being an alcoholic in the same sentence. I said this yesterday; their obsession with W’s “drinking” (ie his admitted YOUTHFUL indiscretions) is laughable. Hello? He’s sober, ladies. Deal with it.

What’s that? He’s a “dry drunk?” What’s that mean? You’re still bothered by his “alcoholic behavior” even though he’s sober? Two words for you then; Al-Anon. Look it up. Bet you guys can find tons of meetings out there in Hellywood, ie your new home, ie the only place that will accept you because, ie it’s the only place in this country as sick and disgusting as you are.

I’m moving on to the next song. Check out the lyrics to “Goodbye Earl.”

Mary Anne and Wanda were the best of friends
All through their high school days
Both members of the 4H Club
Both active in the FFA

After graduation Mary Anne went out
Lookin' for a bright new world
Wanda looked all around this town
And all she found was Earl

Well it wasn't two weeks after she got married
That Wanda started getting abused
She put on dark glasses and long sleeved blouses
And make-up to cover a bruise

Well she finally got the nerve to file for divorce
She let the law take it from there
But Earl walked right through that restraining order
And put her in intensive care

Ugh. I think I’m gonna throw up. Again. (Yack.)

Three things are going on here.

One, they’re taking another swing at our President (ie Earl) by portraying him as a guy who a) isn’t good enough for Mary Anne, and b) can walk through restraining orders (whatever that means). That’s just plain stupid.

Two, the song is a clear slap at Rick Santorum’s recent pro-heterosexual comments (comments that have been proven to be true, since we all know that the gays spend most of their time cruising around in their “Minis” looking for “man on dog” action).

Three, it’s a violent attack on the American family, family values and life in the heartland of America. The Dixie Chicks are mocking American (ie Christian) children for participating in solidly American (ergo conservative) institutions like 4H and Future Farmer’s, institutions that teach nothing but solidly American family values. Have they no shame?

And four, (okay, I said three but I meant four) the Dixie Chicks are saying that it’s possible for a man to beat his wife. Maybe in (liberal) cities like Jew York or San Francisgay, but not out here in the heartland.

If Wanda “started getting abused” it was probably because she deserved it. Why? Oh, I don’t know. Probably for acting like a slut and disrespecting Earl. The Bible gives Earl, her husband, the right to teach her a lesson if she did.

Jesus. I’m moving on to the next song, “Never Say Die.”

Lyin' next to you in the dark
I can feel your beating heart
You've been here beside me
Through the test of time

We've both had our share of doubts
Waited out those ole storm clouds
Boy it's nights like this that I know why
Lovers like you and me will never say die

'Cause there's a long line of folks giving up on love
So many hearts get broken in the push and shove
I'll believe in you for the rest of my life
Baby lovers like you and me will never say die

Another perfect example of their psychotic romanticism with life in a middle-eastern terrorist camp. How they can sing about “lyin’ next to” an Al-Qaeda type is beyond me. Read between the lines, people; “We both had our share of doubts (about attacking the US military base), waited out those ole storm clouds (to attack the US military base), boy it’s nights like this that I know why (I wanna join your organization and attack the US military base), lovers like you and me will never say die (so kiss me, grab your rifle and let’s attack the base).”

I mean, oh, man, can it get any worse?

Yes it can. Read the lyrics to “I'll Take Care Of You.”

Times are hard and rents are high
What can a working girl do
But struggle through another day
Then I'll take care of you

Nights are long and dreams are cold
If they're all you wake up to
But should you rise with cryin' eyes
Then I'll take care of you

Plain as day. The Chicks are telling Saddam (nee Bin Laden) that they will totally take care of him (you know, they’ll find him an apartment, they’ll sleep with him, they’ll buy him groceries, etc) if he can make his way to Nashville. Double yack.

Are they done yet?


This is the chorus to their biggest hit, “Landslide,” a song originally recorded by Fleetwood Mac.

Well I've been afraid of changing
Cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
And I'm getting older too

Sit tight, people. I’ve got some bad news. If you play their version of “Landslide” backwards, you can hear the Dixie Chicks screaming, “Hilary in ‘08, Hilary in ’08, Hilary in ‘08.”

Unacceptable. Totally and completely unacceptable. Stevie Nicks did not write that beautiful song to brainwash the youth of America into electing the Devil into the White House.

But that’s just what the Dixie Chicks are tryin’ to do.

It’s gotta stop, and it’s gotta stop right now. Ever heard of the Patriot Act, Natalie Maines? You haven’t? Well, you better ask your Jew lawyer about it because I’m talking prison, baby. You can’t criticize the President when we’re at war. What’s the matter with you?

Can’t wait to find out (soon, I hope) what your songs sound like in a cell block. Ha ha! I can see it now! You singing to your new girlfriend on the friggin’ basketball court. Ho ho! Hey, Dixie Chicks, you wanna hear a real country song before you take your first and last trip to Chino? One that promotes family values, our President and the good ol’ USA (ie things you hate)? Well check this out, bitches; it’s the number one country song of the year. And I KNOW you KNOW it, ‘coz it fucking haunts you! Take it away, Darrel Worley.

I hear people sayin'. We Don't need this war.
I say there's some things worth fightin' for.
What about our freedom, and this piece of ground?
We didn't get to keep 'em by backin' down.
They say we don't realize the mess we're gettin' in
Before you start preachin' let me ask you this my friend.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN, how it felt that day?
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away
Have you forgotten, when those towers fell
We had neighbors still inside goin through a livin hell
And you say we shouldn't worry bout Bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

Now that is a song. A song written by a genius. That rhyme scheme? Genius. War, for. Ground, down. In, friend. Bin Laden, forgotten?

Total genius.

Man, that song fills me with…Christ, I don’t know what. Fucking pride. I feel like I could take on Osama Bin Hussein all by my lonesome. I feel like…like driving my SUV to Abercrombie and buying me a new rugby. No, I feel like driving my Humvee to my favorite restaurant (Hooters) and having a giant plate of buffalo wings and a pitcher of Coors Light. And then, I’m gonna take that one waitress home with me. The one who’s been looking at me.

That’s just what I’m gonna do. Because I’m an American.



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