BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Thursday, April 24, 2003


Had a phenomenal time in Manhattan, but so glad to be back in the People’s Republic of Hollywood. Thoughts re: New York later in the week.

More laughs from Mesopotamia. From Wednesday’s

Fast food for troops

“The borders are still shut and the diplomats have yet to travel, but envoys from Pizza Hut and Burger King have arrived in Iraq.

The two fast food giants set up their first franchises inside the war-torn country, while many aid convoys waited on the borders for the war to officially end.

The arrival of the two restaurants - sited inside giant trailers on a British military base near Basra - won a rapturous welcome from soldiers, whose limited range of rations lost their appeal many weeks ago.”

Thank god.

I was wondering when the Iraqis would get their first REAL taste of freedom. A Whopper with cheese is the perfect antidote for thirty years of (CIA supported) oppression. Yes, I know, the pizzas, burgers and freedom fries are for the soldiers. But don’t worry; the citizens of Baghdad will experience the liberating sight of the golden arches very soon. Come to think about it, they’ll experience more liberation than they can handle as soon as Taco Bell, the Colonel, and Carl’s Jr get their act together.

“So many choices,” cried Dubai as he dragged his legless body through the food court. “I will make a run for the border with my Steak Gordita and then I will kiss the feet of your George Bush.” Dubai spent the rest of the afternoon searching for discarded Happy Meals. “I like the toys. Monsters Inc., X-men, Simpsons, whatever. For the Ebay.”

Have the Starbuck’s police been informed of this gross miscarriage of (commercial) justice? I thought they had an exclusive contract with the coalition of the willing? And what about Wal-Mart? Shouldn’t they have a store in Basra by now? Those collation soldiers busted their ass for my freedom; they should get the opportunity to buy some (plastic crap) before they leave the Middle East.

Target, Old Navy, Ikea, Jack in the Box, the Gap, Kohl’s, Home Depot, Banana Republic, Applebee’s. Baghdad will look like suburban Indianapolis before you can say, “We’ve discovered an underground tunnel beneath Saddam’s main palace, and it goes all the way to Damascus. And in the wording of section 1441, agreed to by the UN Security Council last fall, we have the right to…”

This war was not about oil. It was about freedom.

Freedom to buy useless junk.

Hold tight, Iraqi people. You haven’t lived ‘til you’ve shopped at a Best Buy around Christmas.

You people do celebrate Christmas, don’t you? If you do, cool. If you don’t, you will. The “aid workers” from Texas will help you with the details. (“Christianity is so neat because we have this one particular day in December where we are guaranteed to get cool stuff from the Lord.”)

And speaking of leaving Baghdad with cool stuff, check out this little ditty from Murdoch’s Post.


“FOUR GIs arrested and charged with stealing nearly $1 million in cash from money found hidden in Baghdad had intended to filch another $12 million, The Post has learned.

Army investigators yesterday discovered three aluminum boxes - each holding $4 million in $100 bills - that they believe the sticky-fingered soldiers stashed away to be recovered by them at a later time when the coast was clear, sources said.”

Awesome. Quickly, the soldiers grabbed the cash from a “walled up cottage” near the Tigris a la “The Three Kings” and stashed it in on the riverbank. (Get it? RiverBANK? Ho ho.) I mean, what, how can I, this is too easy, oh, man, so great, I, it’s hard to wrap my brain around this one, I, oh, forget it.

Wonder if they found the map to the “walled up cottage” in the ass of a…oh…nevermind.

More later.


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