BRANDOLAND: Talking to God...For You!

Friday, April 25, 2003

The following is NOT an excerpt from The Onion. I repeat; the following is not an excerpt from The Onion, the leading satirical paper in the US. It’s from People magazine, one of the leading causes of brain cancer in the US.

Campbell: Catwalk CIA
Model hunts down Bin Laden

“Struggling to keep up with the movements of international terrorists? Rest assured, Naomi Campbell has her finger on the world's pulse. According to the New York Post, the tempestuous clotheshorse has revealed that she has 'intelligence sources' (an intriguing disclosure in its own right) across the globe, keeping track of terrorist activity. More importantly, Campbell has let it be known that her network of spies has been keeping tabs on none other than Terrorism Weekly's centerfold pin-up, Osama bin Laden. The supermodel has confided in close friends that she knows for a fact Bin Laden is holed up in Saudi Arabia.”

Awesome. I’ve been looking for clues that would lead me to an “Eyes Wide Shut” party, and I think I’ve found one.

You know something? I totally believe the “tempestuous clotheshorse” because she has THE VIP pass. She gets to be THERE. At ground zero. Where it really goes down. Because she is an uber-fox. I’m about to trek into some dangerous territory, but let’s be honest: powerful men want to be around the foxiest women, and Naomi fits that bill. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is; uber-foxy ladies have been close to the pulse FROM DAY ONE, and they’ve seen more than their share of hardcore stuff.

“Ugga. Me feel like burning down village. Ugga.”
“You’re lying!”
“Oh, don’t worry, you big baby. I won’t tell anyone.”
“Ugga ugga.”
“In fact, I think it’s kinda…sexy!”
“Ugga bugga!”

Uber-foxes get to go to THE parties, they get to hang by THE pools… Christ, they might even end up in THE bedrooms. As a result, they’re gonna experience things that the average person will never even know about. Drug deals, hostile takeovers, arms shipments, the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden. You name it. They’ve seen it and heard it.

Are you with me?

I know for a fact that the girls who work at the Body Shop and the Seventh Veil on Sunset can take it to Saudi Arabia (and Tokyo and New York) ANYTIME THEY WANT. For easy cash. Thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of easy cash. Just to sit by a pool. Maybe some sex, maybe not. But, hey, who’s zooming who?

Here’s an excerpt from a (very real) conversation between two strippers. I heard this exchange in the parking lot of the Rite Aid on the corner of Sunset & Fairfax a few years ago:

“I just got back.”
“How much did you make?”
“Like, a hundred grand. It was so easy. You should go.”
“Over there?”
“Hmm mmm.”

So who’s to say that Charity WON’T hear some cool junk while the prince applies Ban de Soleil to the back of her neck? His cell phone is gonna ring. He’s gonna bark an order at a henchman or two. Besides that, she’ll hear it from the other girls. (“Last night, while he was sleeping, he kept saying, They'll be in Damascus by next fall.’ What does that mean?”)

Trust me. It happens. ALL THE TIME. Simple James Bond stuff.

I’m not saying that Naomi has DONE THAT, but she’s been around her share of movers and shakers. Guaranteed.

It’s hard to believe anything that appears in People magazine, but it does make me wonder.

More later.


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